thedogbarks

Worse than telling a lover you used to be another gender. Worse than telling your girlfriend you have a highly contagious STD. Worse than telling your conservative Mormon family that you are gay. Worse than all of these things, is telling a serious Street Fighter fan that your favorite character is Ken Masters. Yet that is what I am doing today. I come not on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness, but with an outstretched hand looking for understanding. I am here to humanize the faceless, reprehensible masses that always choose Ken. As you scream abuse at your online opponent for picking the ‘same bastard as every other punk noob’, and prepare to face off against your fifth Ken in a row, bear in mind that behind every Ken Masters is a real person. And one who probably isn’t that good at the game.

The odd thing is that in a sense I never really had a choice about which character I was going to be due to my relationship with my older brother. I idolized him, copied everything he did and liked everything he liked, but as a result I always got second pick. He chose the Decepticons so I was the Autobots; he was Cobra so I was G.I. Joe; he was Ryu so I was Ken. Besides showing that my brother had an inherent fascination with evil, it showed how natural it was that my choice of character was a mirror image of his. Ryu was quiet and brooding whilst Ken was brash and arrogant, but essentially they were two sides of the same coin. But since that was about eighteen years ago perhaps I should look to justify my love of Ken Masters a little more eloquently.



I have been faithful to Ken for all of the eighteen years we have known each other. I can’t claim to be a perfect monogamist. I have strayed from the true path in the past, experimenting with the sultry pout of Cammy, the rippling thighs of Chun-Li, the rock hard abs of Fei-Long and even the Jack-booted eroticism of Bison, but I can’t help but come back to Ken. It just feels so comfortable and familiar, like putting on a pair of warm gloves. Every time a new iteration in the Street Fighter is released it is like a reunion with an old friend and the ebb and flow of his moves and the roll of the arcade stick is almost instinctive. I know exactly what his capabilities are and thus in a competitive match, victory feels not like a mindless spamming of special moves but the sense of tactically outmaneuvering an opponent using an extension of the body. My awkward high school studentesque fumbling whilst playing with Cammy means that victory is largely down to playing an inferior foe, or fluking a win. I have tried to leave him before, but in the end I am at my happiest playing Street Fighter when it is with Ken. It sounds ridiculous I know, and I too have often questioned my sanity when I notice that I’m using one character 95% of the time. With another twenty or so characters left to watch despondently from the sidelines it makes me wonder why I am really that excited about Super Street Fighter IV.

Back story isn’t especially important in the fighting genre but Ken is certainly one of the more fleshed out characters in the Street Fighter universe. His fraternal bond with Ryu is central to the game, and their relationship based on a fierce rivalry makes for one of the more relatable aspects of the narrative. It isn’t complex, but their continual desire to test their abilities against each other provides a link throughout the various additions to the franchise. His flashy personality and cocky thumbs up victory pose are as iconic for me as his ludicrous flaming Dragon Punch which symbolizes much of his personality.



It’s a shame that choosing Ken is like seen as similarly evil to voting for the communist party. Street Fighter II was the first console game I ever owned and still one of the best. I’m no expert at the game by any means, or even that good, but playing as Ken provides a link to the start of my love affair with video games, and as such I won’t cast him aside in order to placate an angry mob. If you have a beef with people who choose Ken then don’t worry, there are still quite a few people online who also seem to have a fondness for him.

Evil Ranking Chart

5 – Watching American Idol
4 – Breaking wind in an elevator
3 – Stealing from blind orphans
2 - Picking Ken in an online game of Street Fighter IV
1 - Throwing puppies off cliffs

Take it from me; all Englishmen are evil. When we aren’t tying women to train tracks and twirling our impeccable moustaches, we are rioting at football games and threatening to bottle defenseless children. Hollywood has known for years that when it comes to villains its hard to top an Englishman when it comes to dastardly schemes and barely repressed sadistic personalities. For which I’m sure Alan Rickman is eternally grateful. Even as I write this I’m cupping a glass of brandy whilst kicking a sack full of infants. Thankfully the video game industry is also aware of the inherently evil nature of English DNA and has made the general public aware by accurately portraying us as shady and suspicious characters. Here are five of my brethren who have been immortalized in games. Learn from this public service announcement; spay and neuter your Englishmen. Otherwise the evil will continue to fester.

Liquid Snake


When it comes to evil Englishmen, it is hard to think of a more perfect example than Solid Snake’s more educated and eloquent brother Liquid. He bears the lofty and arrogant tone of an Oxford graduate as well as a sneer no doubt practiced at Eton, where spitting on those socially beneath you is a school subject. Liquid’s accent is so English that it makes even me cringe slightly. Or at least it would do if it wasn’t so entertaining to watch him practically chewing the walls in every scene that he appears in. He doesn’t just steal scenes, he kidnaps them. And then ties them to train tracks.
Best of all is his supreme contempt for the American government and Snake’s blind heroism and willingness to follow orders which is in line with the classic action movie hero. He spends so long gloating that any reasonably competent super villian would have conquered at least two continents in the same period of time.
Finally his insistence on calling Snake ‘Dear Brother’ adds that slightly effeminate edge and sexual ambiguity to Liquid, thus making him the complete package and the standard bearer for evil Englishmen in games. Major Zero would have made the list, but seeing as no one can possibly understand the plot of Metal Gear 4 he sadly had to be sidelined.

Pesky Yank who stops his diabolical scheme: Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!!!

Leopold Anthony Charles Weasleby the Third


“Who?” I’m sure would be most people’s response, in which case you missed out on Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure, a gem of a DS game which didn’t receive as much attention as it deserved.
It is clear from his picture that the honorable Mr. Weasleby is a villain, but also with a name that includes three first names, a family name derived from a notoriously cunning animal, and a number denoting his lineage, he obviously didn’t have much choice. One can almost imagine his trip to a careers guidance counselor that would merely involve trying to read his name before concluding that Leopold was set for a career in villainy.
But what is his crime? Well the antagonist is the number 2 adventurer in the world (behind the titular hero) and is attempting to usurp him by getting the ‘Golden Gentlemen’s Suit’ before Henry does. So his crime is, in fact, to try and do what the hero is trying to do. But it’s simply a matter of style, and by employing others to do his dirty work and through the use of clockwork monstrosities, he is painted as a villain. He doesn’t play fair, which to be frank, just isn’t cricket. Finally, to seal the deal for his inclusion in the list of evil Englishmen he wears a lace cravat. Because, well, you need something to wipe clean your mouth when you have finished feasting on the blood of virgins.
The reason that Henry himself (and indeed Layton) doesn’t make the list is that I can’t exactly establish his relationship with the young boy who appears to live in his house.

Plucky American who foils his dastardly plot: Nope, this is pure Brit on Brit violence

Scholar Visari


Unlike most of the limp wrested aristocrats on this list, Scolar Visari is vicious dictator that seems to have stolen more than a couple of ideas from Hitler when it comes to speeches and décor. The Helghast are essentially English Nazi’s so it’s clear they deserve a spot on the list. And the Scholar brings a blood and thunder pomposity to his speeches that haven’t been heard since the days of Margaret Thatcher. Lines such as “The history of these days will be written in blood”, and “We will shatter their dreams and haunt their nightmares, drenching our ancestors’ graves with their blood” are clearly never spoken by someone with aspirations to be a primary school teacher (except perhaps in New Jersey). So go America! Destroy the bastards! Just try not to think about the fact that you are invading the home world of an oppressed people. Well, I understand that it is hard to sympathize when most of the Helghast sound like football hooligans who are going to knife you in the back as soon as you let your guard down.

Red, white and blue warriors that dash his nefarious plans: Sev and Rico

Harry Flynn


It’s clear to just about any English person when they first hear the swaggering ladish accent of Harry Flynn that it will be a matter of moments before the cheeky little scamp betrays you. You don’t have to wait long as ‘arry is quick to leg it, leaving you in a pickle with a twinkle in his eye. Not since Dick Van Dyke brutalized the cockney accent in Mary Poppins have we had a more lovable English rogue. Seeing as the game has recently been released I won’t go into any more detail about his role in the Uncharted 2 story. Just make a mental note that if you see any one sounding or acting like Harry Flynn I advise you to check that all your valuables are secure and to inform the authorities immediately.

Average Joe that proves to be the monkey on his British back: Nathan Drake innit?

Milo


So far everyone has cracked jokes about what you will be able to do to mess with Milo when Natal arrives next year. They have greatly underestimated him. The real question is what Milo will do if you take your eyes off him for even a second. Peter Molyneux has created a virtual English boy. In which case whilst you sleep he will be drinking alcohol, smoking, taking drugs and impregnating women. Evil Englishman? Perhaps not. Young English boy? Now that is something to truly be afraid of.

Brave USA Eagles who can stop his shadowy mission to make all American children speak with English accents: You my heroes. Only you can save the world


(Yeah I know that the kid is Dutch, but the picture was so perfect)

The opening sequence of Uncharted 2 is memorable for a number of reasons. Many would point to the dramatic nature of the location, the perilous situation in which the protagonist finds himself in or the simple fact that the game is visually stunning. Personally, one of the most impressive aspects is that it throws you in a dramatic and dangerous situation and gives you no instruction as to what you should do or even what you are capable of doing. The tutorial sequence comes afterwards in the form of a flashback, but when you are left dangling from a destroyed train carriage in the midst of a raging blizzard with a seemingly endless abyss below you, you have had no explanation of the game’s mechanics. Yet you soon discover your capabilities as you struggle to ascend to higher ground. Uncharted 2 is a triumph of contextual gaming and should be held up as a source of inspiration for developers hoping to create a cinematic experience.

The way in which Nathan responds to the environment and the way in which it responds to him are key in creating the game’s atmosphere. The dire situation in which you are placed initially is compounded by a serious injury that the character has sustained. Accordingly his onscreen movements are cumbersome and weighty. Likewise the task of scaling vertically up the train carriage is an arduous and desperate challenge and the torturous measured pace with which you are forced to move is a reflection of this. It mirrors your own reaction to being thrown into the opening of a game in which you haven’t been told how to play; movement is cautious and slow, and tension and panic swell within you. When ascertaining if you can make a jump, Nathan’s hand stretches tentatively towards his desired target as if to get a feel for his own limitations. In this sense the character’s response to the environment is being conveyed to the play through the way in which the game controls.



The context of the environment in which he has been placed also has a strong bearing on the game. The carriage you are being asked to climb is on the brink of collapse and this is reflected by the way in which pieces fall towards you altering your environment, or by the pipes and handles that collapse or swing according to your weight. When you finally haul yourself up the cliff you find that nearby explosions cause the character to buckle and double over; slowing your movement temporarily. The pain that Nathan is enduring is expressed through limiting the player’s movement and making him respond appropriately to his changing environment. This is further enforced by the way in which his physical appearance alters, whether it’s the snow that sticks in his hair if you roll in it, or the texture and color of the famous half-tuck shirt being altered by the water.

Importantly this early establishment of contextual gameplay means that the player is groomed to deal with unfamiliar situations using the same control scheme. The moving train section is a truly breathtaking moment in game design because it forces the player to engage in several different kinds of wildly different gameplay, some which the player has yet to be exposed to, in a continuous sequence that remains unimpaired by the need for explanation.



Bionic Commando, released earlier this year to a rather lukewarm reception, was notable for being largely repetitive but with a couple of incredible action sequences at the end. Like Uncharted 2 they took the controls with which you were familiar, and put them into a drastically different scenario to great effect; in that case by hauling yourself from the back of a squadron of planes to the front using your bionic arm. Batman Arkham Asylum took a different, but no less effective path, by clearly sectioning off its gameplay into three compartments, explaining each and then rotating them.

Of course in an article discussing the importance of contextual gameplay it would be a massive oversight not to mention one of the greatest games of all time; The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. The A button was described as the ‘action’ button and could be used for a number of different commands depending on the context of the environment. This would be displayed in the top right of the screen where the action would be described for the player. At the time it was an impressive advance in console gaming interface, and Uncharted 2 has shown how this simple idea could be developed into truly contextual gameplay.



When Tim Schafer got frustrated with people asking him why there wasn’t a jump button in Brutal Legend, he needed only to mention Ocarina of Time.

Purposeful disconnects remain the curse of online gaming. Whilst its true that for many games online lag is still sadly prevalent, there is nothing quite like ‘rage quitting’ to make the blood boil. When you have worked hard to decimate an opponent only to have them take the easy way out, there are no number of expletives that can capture the anguish of that moment. Who is to blame for this act of pure evil? Is it the fault of society for cultivating such a lack of responsibility? Can we point the finger at our morally corrupt sporting heroes who often bend or break the rules as well as violate the ideals of sportsmanship in order to win at any cost? Or perhaps it is the fault of the parents who raise spoilt brats that are unable to bear the weight of defeat?

It seems obvious that the blame should lie squarely with the person who decides to simulate an internet disconnect. Overcome with their frustration at being unable to win, they churlishly exit the game. Whether it is to prevent their perfect record being tarnished, or simply out of spite, the action is childish and indefensible. Unfortunately however, upon even a little reflection it is clear that the developers are ultimately to blame for allowing them to do so without significant punishment. Some companies have done well to attempt to tackle the issue, but for those that don’t provide consequences for rage quitting the oversight is naive to say the least. Whilst a poor net code can make a game unplayable online, a lack of rules and structure in the online community can be equally damaging.

Provide incentives for losing with dignity


Putting aside the idea of punishing people for quitting, it is also important to provide the person who is playing with a reason to continue to play even in the face of an inevitable defeat. If by losing you are just rewarded by another mark in your losses column it hardly encourages the player to keep trying. Providing a decent amount of experience points or their equivalent even for a loss would compensate the player for their sportsmanship. For online games such as Uncharted 2 it is still possible to accumulate plenty of money without winning rounds. Likewise FIFA gives points for taking part in completed games, so whilst you may not have won the match, you are provided with funds to improve your team to the point where you have a better chance of winning.

Provide in-depth matchmaking


Putting a player in a match which they will most likely lose due to a gulf in experience or ability is a sure-fire way to frustrate players to the point where they will want to quit. Once I too suffered a lapse in my sense of decency when playing FIFA 09. I was simply torn apart by a far superior player and was losing by nine goals before the end of the first half (quite disgraceful I have to admit). Although I didn’t quit I did sulk, to the extent that you can in a video game form of football, by passing the ball around my defense. I promptly received an incredibly abusive PSN message from my opponent (I’m impressed that he could type so quickly). Being a bit of a wuss I then tried to play the game in its true spirit and went on to lose the match by fifteen goals. I was to blame for my selfishness, but being destroyed so quickly rather took the urgency out of my game. Matchmaking is one of the more complicated issues in online games and there are few games which have perfected it. Halo is often held up as an example of good match making, but it is even more of a pressing issue in sports games which are usually one-on-one games that last longer.

Properly punish persistent offenders
Most online games show a disconnect percentage for players, and those with very high disconnect rates are unlikely to be welcomed into games, but when you just want to play a game and there seem to be few open matches available there is little alternative. Whilst rewarding players for losing may be the carrot, the stick should be that they lose points. By making the loss of points significant enough, the players who used to disconnect would be forced to at least bear through their suffering. Those who have very high disconnect rates could be given bans for their offenses such as weekly bans, monthly bans or for the very worst offenders, lifetime bans.




Whilst these ideas sound nice on paper there are of course a few tricky aspects to implementing them. How do you know if a person is rage quitting, or simply that their internet connection was temporarily disrupted? And whilst few cases have been successful, bans imposed on players of online games have occasionally resulted in law suits that developers are obviously keen to avoid, no matter how frivolous they may be. Seeing as gamers are sometimes vocal in their disapproval of draconian measure, the Modern Warfare 2 server issue for example, the negative press associated with a punishing online system means that some developers are unwilling to instill a sense of authority into their games.

Until game developers have taken steps that provide real consequence for purposeful disconnects, competitive online game will be tainted. Well, either that or we could wait for the time when every one who plays online games becomes mature enough not to choose to ruin another person’s experience. Hold your breath folks; I think it’s going to happen any minute now.

Religion is a complex and at times inflammatory topic that can inspire and offend in equal measure. It therefore seems somewhat amusing that video games have by and large managed to side-step the controversy in which religion becomes embroiled whilst heavily referencing a number of religious beliefs and deities. If you are looking for a blog that is willing to take on the weighty and stimulating concept of how religion is treated in games as a reflection on the demographic that plays them as opposed to other forms of media… I’m afraid you have come to the wrong place. I’m sure that a far more eloquent and thoughtful person has already tackled this topic and whilst I myself might attempt to do so in the future, for now I am content to condense all of these complicated issues into a facile Top 5. Enjoy!

Scribblenauts


God answers your prayers instantly or your pizza is free!

Is Scribblenauts developer 5th Cell a Christian company? Whether they are or not is a moot point. They have restored my faith in the Almighty. When you have need of him, God doesn’t appear through a messenger, an epiphany or through some symbolic gesture. A mere click of your fingers and he is right there beside you, willing to walk through the valley of death. Or into a castle full of ninjas at the very least. And he is one tough mo fo. I’ve seen God go toe to toe with a dragon and barely blink. You know when a little guy in a club is being a bit rowdy and looking to start trouble, he always has a massive mate who looms behind him cracking his knuckles menacingly? That’s what God is in Scribblenauts. He is content to amble along behind you until someone starts giving you some grief at which point he steps in and starts beating the crap out of your enemies. The best thing about this God though is his willingness to handle firearms. Tool him up with a shotgun, put him astride a white horse and put a pimp fedora atop his head and watch him lay waste to all who stand in his way. It’s just a shame he never took swimming lessons.

Kratos


As usual Kratos was late for his anger management classes

The meek shall inherit the Earth? Not on his watch. Just how much of a God Kratos is varies throughout the series. He begins as a mortal, and every time he manages to regain his deity status he seems to be a whisker away from pissing off enough important people to have it stripped from him. But unlike most Gods, whether Kratos at the time possesses the title it matters not. If he were a package delivery boy he would be the God of Package Delivery Boys. As it is, he is the God of War and more than lives up to that moniker. Rather than simply defeating his foes he attempts to turn their bodies into confetti. And any one who can actually coax a harpy into flying higher by stabbing it repeatedly in its underbelly is clearly not adhering to any laws of nature or physics. He isn’t just a God; he is a God killer, so all the other entrants on this list should probably check behind them if they walk down any dark alleys. Chances are Kratos will be lurking in the shadows, itching to perform some quick and brutal surgery.

The Sims


Make their lives better! ... or kill them all...

There have been many excellent God simulation games such as Populous, Black and White and Sim City to name but a few. But those games relate to Gods of ambition. They create and destroy on an epic scale, holding the lives of civilizations in their hands and shaping the course of history. I prefer the idea of the petty God. The God who worries about what will happen to Logan on ‘The Bold and the Beautiful’. The God who smites some one with a bad haircut. The God who cares about what outfit their toy poodle is wearing. Yes, the God of The Sims. In this game God is not so much the guardian of mankind as an omnipotent but obsessive stalker. But this is also a God who is able to kill people, often in horrible, depraved and, depending on the player, rather imaginative ways. Idle hands…

JRPG bosses


The final battle for the fate of humanity is God verus this young man currently struggling with the challenges of puberty

One of the most wonderful aspects of JRPGs is that if you taken even a moment to look back upon the course the narrative has taken from the beginning to the end, the insane amount of improvement your character has made would make even Rocky Balboa choke. True, that development has happened over the period of 50 plus hours as opposed to a montage, but it still doesn’t explain how a farmer’s son armed with a wooden sword which he used to protect his flock from rats went on to kill God. Or the Creator, or the source of the mana for the Earth; whatever deity they decide to employ that certainly isn’t the Christian God, but has a strong fondness for his paraphernalia. By the end of most JRPGs you have ploughed past enough stained glass windows in churches or giant crucifixes to make the Vatican green with envy.
So whilst these JRPGs make the list for the sheer volume of Gods in their games, the definitely don’t make it for their power. After all, if you get your ass handed to you by an androgynous character armed with a massive sword, a pink haired ditzy girl with the body of an adult movie star but the face of a child, and probably some cute mascot that kind of looks like a cross between a rabbit and a kitty, then you can’t honestly claim to be all-powerful.
Special mention goes to Yu Yevon from FFX. Why? Because there is no way that you can lose the battle. Round of applause for the special needs deity.

God Hand


You fight a gorilla in a wrestling mask. This game makes the list

There are many games far more deserving of being on this list. And yes, the main character merely possesses the titular God Hand, as opposed to being a God himself. It isn’t even a particularly good game. But seeing as your special moves involve kicking people into outer space, spanking ladies bottoms and nailing dudes in the balls, I’m going to give it a free pass.