thedogbarks Top 5: ways to ruin the Metal Gear movie

Top 5: ways to ruin the Metal Gear movie

Since 1998 we have dreamed of a Metal Gear movie. With each subsequent iteration the demands have grown steadily louder and more impassioned. Still they have not given us what we claim to crave. The rumors have never gone away, but despite whisperings of Christian Bale as Snake, or Kurt Russell as Big Boss, there has never been anything official. But now, before the fervor builds any further, before we dare to dream, let us be honest with ourselves; would it be any good? Judging by the short and distinguished history of video game movies those who are optimistic are probably taking enough Prozac to keep a buffalo lucid. I would be shocked if the upcoming Bioshock movie didn't replace the little sisters with scantily clad bikini model nymphomaniacs. And Tara Reid as Dr. Tenenbaum. Thus with a heavy heart I have to paint the worst case scenario here, in order that after the long extended tease as to its existence, we cannot be disappointed by the result. My greatest fear is that a Hollywood executive will take a look at this list and decide that each idea is a stroke of genius. But seeing as Michael Bay has stopped taking my calls, I think we should be ok.

Chris Tucker as Otacon
The ‘wacky’ sidekick is as much a staple of games as it is of Hollywood. Octacon is certainly eccentric, at times witty, and occasionally a moving and sympathetic figure but ‘wacky’ is hardly the way to describe him. But Hollywood movies demand a hyperactive and irritating buddy to accompany the lead. The African American/Caucasian combination has been a staple of the movie industry for decades. Choosing the least irritating role Chris Tucker has ever portrayed is like trying to decide which part of your body would hurt the least if broken; nobody wins. Most worryingly of all, someone likes Chris Tucker enough to keep giving him work. We can only pray that the person is in no way connected to the Metal Gear movie. We can only pray that Brett Ratner won’t be hired to direct.

"Yo Snake! Do you think that love can bloom on a motherf******* battlefield?"

Theme song by (insert pop band you despise the most)
They may have enough sense to hire Harry Gregson-Williams for soundtrack seeing as he has worked on the series before. However even if they make the right choice, it is still more than likely that (insert crappy band here) will be recording a track to promote the movie. Musical taste depends entirely on the person so you won’t find me casting stones at specific bands. Any Rap, Hip-Hop, Bryan Adams, or Jon Bon Jovi though would not be a good decision. The first Resident Evil movie soundtrack alone had Slipknot, Marilyn Manson, Rammstein and Method Man. Expect them to reappear for the Metal Gear movie.

This man loves videogames. Pray he does not like Metal Gear.

Metal Gear is Transformers
If there is one thing that Hollywood executives know, it is that the general public likes things that are similar to other things that they like. That is essentially what high concept movies are. As soon as a single person in the marketing department realizes, ‘Hey, that Metal Gear thing looks kinda like Transformers, the movie that made $200 million in 5 days’ then the project is doomed.

This is what Metal Gear Rex will look like. Seem familiar?

Further brainstorming sessions will also help them to make a connection between Snake and James Bond, "Dude, he should be like Bond, but, you know, more badass!" (High-fives other overpaid and overly self-confident 20 somethings). By the time the movie appears on the big screens expect Metal Gear to transform into a sports car, contain a lot of soft drink product placement, talk to human children, wise-crack, use ‘hip’ words, and in the worst case scenario, Megan Fox to be cast as Meryl. Oh wait I just thought of something worse; Michael Bay to direct. Or...

Hideo Kojima to direct
Hideo, I love your work sir. You are one of the few remaining great auteurs in video games today. We know you got into games because you couldn’t get a job in films and your passion for that industry shines through in your games. But, please do not direct this movie. There are 9, spectacular hours of cutscenes in MGS4. The challenge of putting the man on any sort of creative lease, to burden him with need to answer to executives far more powerful than him could crush the man. The restriction of the medium would mean that his magnum opus would have to be crammed into a running time of around 2 hours. Even worse than that; for anyone who watched the movie who had never played the game, the memory that would etch itself most indelibly into their memories would be that of a monkey in a diaper drinking cola.