Top 5: ways to ruin the Metal Gear movie

Since 1998 we have dreamed of a Metal Gear movie. With each subsequent iteration the demands have grown steadily louder and more impassioned. Still they have not given us what we claim to crave. The rumors have never gone away, but despite whisperings of Christian Bale as Snake, or Kurt Russell as Big Boss, there has never been anything official. But now, before the fervor builds any further, before we dare to dream, let us be honest with ourselves; would it be any good? Judging by the short and distinguished history of video game movies those who are optimistic are probably taking enough Prozac to keep a buffalo lucid. I would be shocked if the upcoming Bioshock movie didn't replace the little sisters with scantily clad bikini model nymphomaniacs. And Tara Reid as Dr. Tenenbaum. Thus with a heavy heart I have to paint the worst case scenario here, in order that after the long extended tease as to its existence, we cannot be disappointed by the result. My greatest fear is that a Hollywood executive will take a look at this list and decide that each idea is a stroke of genius. But seeing as Michael Bay has stopped taking my calls, I think we should be ok.

Chris Tucker as Otacon
The ‘wacky’ sidekick is as much a staple of games as it is of Hollywood. Octacon is certainly eccentric, at times witty, and occasionally a moving and sympathetic figure but ‘wacky’ is hardly the way to describe him. But Hollywood movies demand a hyperactive and irritating buddy to accompany the lead. The African American/Caucasian combination has been a staple of the movie industry for decades. Choosing the least irritating role Chris Tucker has ever portrayed is like trying to decide which part of your body would hurt the least if broken; nobody wins. Most worryingly of all, someone likes Chris Tucker enough to keep giving him work. We can only pray that the person is in no way connected to the Metal Gear movie. We can only pray that Brett Ratner won’t be hired to direct.

"Yo Snake! Do you think that love can bloom on a motherf******* battlefield?"

Theme song by (insert pop band you despise the most)
They may have enough sense to hire Harry Gregson-Williams for soundtrack seeing as he has worked on the series before. However even if they make the right choice, it is still more than likely that (insert crappy band here) will be recording a track to promote the movie. Musical taste depends entirely on the person so you won’t find me casting stones at specific bands. Any Rap, Hip-Hop, Bryan Adams, or Jon Bon Jovi though would not be a good decision. The first Resident Evil movie soundtrack alone had Slipknot, Marilyn Manson, Rammstein and Method Man. Expect them to reappear for the Metal Gear movie.

This man loves videogames. Pray he does not like Metal Gear.

Metal Gear is Transformers
If there is one thing that Hollywood executives know, it is that the general public likes things that are similar to other things that they like. That is essentially what high concept movies are. As soon as a single person in the marketing department realizes, ‘Hey, that Metal Gear thing looks kinda like Transformers, the movie that made $200 million in 5 days’ then the project is doomed.

This is what Metal Gear Rex will look like. Seem familiar?

Further brainstorming sessions will also help them to make a connection between Snake and James Bond, "Dude, he should be like Bond, but, you know, more badass!" (High-fives other overpaid and overly self-confident 20 somethings). By the time the movie appears on the big screens expect Metal Gear to transform into a sports car, contain a lot of soft drink product placement, talk to human children, wise-crack, use ‘hip’ words, and in the worst case scenario, Megan Fox to be cast as Meryl. Oh wait I just thought of something worse; Michael Bay to direct. Or...

Hideo Kojima to direct
Hideo, I love your work sir. You are one of the few remaining great auteurs in video games today. We know you got into games because you couldn’t get a job in films and your passion for that industry shines through in your games. But, please do not direct this movie. There are 9, spectacular hours of cutscenes in MGS4. The challenge of putting the man on any sort of creative lease, to burden him with need to answer to executives far more powerful than him could crush the man. The restriction of the medium would mean that his magnum opus would have to be crammed into a running time of around 2 hours. Even worse than that; for anyone who watched the movie who had never played the game, the memory that would etch itself most indelibly into their memories would be that of a monkey in a diaper drinking cola.

After the break up of The Monkees, Davy Jones hit the bottle hard

Keanu Reeves as Solid Snake
... please… no…

"Dude, war is like, bad. And, uh...I'm just a government pawn... or something bro."

Why hasn't Nintendo...

Sony was first, Microsoft second, and now finally it is the turn of Nintendo. Enjoy.

Criticizing Nintendo is rather like telling ‘yo mamma’ jokes to a deaf billionaire. They don’t listen to your insults and even if they could, they wouldn’t give a damn. They would be too busy trying to decide which tropical islands they would like to buy on a whim. With well over 50 million Wii’s already sold Nintendo can confidently claim that their console has been a success. Despite that, seemingly 90% of people who have access to the internet have an inherent dislike of their system. But going over the same tired arguments will serve little purpose. Yes, we know that by and large Wii games are visually unappealing, and that the game lacks quality games in certain genres and so on and so forth. Instead it seems more productive to highlight what Nintendo should have already done in order to give us more reasons to waggle. The DS sales actually make the Wii’s look modest by comparison. With around 112 million units sold it is well on its way to eventually hauling down the mammoth sales of the PS2, and overtaking the annual GDP of most developed nations on the way. Offering advice to Nintendo at this point could be construed as naïve, but like their competitors, their success doesn’t hide some blindingly obvious omissions. Nintendo are sitting at the head of the table anyway; it would be nice if they tossed us a bone now and then.

You may have noticed that I have omitted the Why don't they section? section for this blog. The reason is simple. I have no idea. Nintendo works in mysterious ways that we mere mortals cannot fathom. We can merely look on in confusion and dismay.

Make use of the peripherals
Why should they?

Not since the Dreamcast took over half of my house with plastic light-guns, keyboards, fishing rods and maracas has a console provided such a wide range of peripherals with limited use. The more insulting thing is that most of them are literally just shaped plastic. From the Mario Kart ‘steering wheel’ to the ‘Wii Zapper’ (don’t worry parents, it definitely isn’t a gun) and all the 3rd party Wii Sports clip-on tennis rackets, golf clubs and baseball bats, there are a spectacular number of ways to drown yourself with insignificant objects. But if you bought them then there is clearly no hope for you, so let’s move on.


Thousands of years of human evolution, the renaissance and the miracle of space travel have finally lead us to this point; a plastic tennis racket that serves no purpose

Instead I shall focus my ire on the peripherals that clearly do have some intrinsic value but that Nintendo push out the door then refuse to support. Wii Speak, by no means perfect (or even half-way decent), is nonetheless a functional way to communicate online. But wait, you actually want to use it? No problem. It works with a grand total of six games. That’s right. Count them. Except that one is only available in Japan. And two others haven’t been released yet. And only one of them is from Nintendo. Mario Kart and Smash Brothers, the most popular online Nintendo games of course do not support this feature. Nintendo has always developed its peripherals with one game in mind and then left everyone else to try to find a way in which to actually utilize them. Remember the N64 controller? Nintendo designed that specifically with Mario 64 in mind, conveniently forgetting that other genres existed, such as fighting games. After finally giving us 1:1 motion control with the Wii motion plus they simultaneously released Wii Sports Resort, which made excellent use of the technology. But should we expect them to give us any other games that exploit it? Not in the near future. We can but marvel at what kind of support the Wii Vitality sensor will receive, considering that even Nintendo doesn’t seem to have figured out what it is for yet.


"If you can think of any use for this, please don't hesitate to call the Nintendo Hotline. Our dedicated telephone operators are waiting night and day for your suggestions. Please."

Make it easier to download games
Why should they?
I guess that 10 years on from the point where Nintendo of America stopped making the SNES I can finally admit that it is dead. Except that it isn’t, because due to the wonders of the Virtual Console you can continue to buy SNES games and well as a vast collection of retro games from various consoles that half of you are probably playing on emulators for free anyway. So, applause for Nintendo? Sadly no. Although I’m sure that there are plenty of games that I would be willing to pay incredible sums of money in order to try and relieve my childhood and break the curse of aging, Nintendo doesn’t seem to want me to be able to find them without first undergoing a quest of some magnitude.


WiiWare? More like Wii WHERE? haha... umm... sorry...

Before I descend into ridiculous hyperbole let me put it simply; the interface for Nintendo’s online store is terrible. It is poorly designed and badly organized, and unless you know exactly what you want to buy, you have little chance of stumbling across a hidden gem. XBLA and PSN have weekly updates in which new games are highlighted and less well known but interesting games are promoted. Demos are offered, trailers and wallpapers are available and new information is constantly relayed to the user. I have no idea what Nintendo is doing because they don’t make the effort to tell me. I guess they could send information using the Wii’s messaging service but seeing as every time I turn on my Wii I am inundated by such useful information as the fact that I played Wii Fit for 5 minutes last night, it would be unlikely to grab my attention. Wiiware has been a death knell for many a promising indie game and it isn’t hard to imagine that many would rather take their chances in the busier waters of Sony and Microsoft’s services rather than dehydrate in the wilderness of Nintendo’s desert.

Give us a reason to buy the DSi
Why should they?
Only a few days ago I was attacking the PSP Go on its price point, but at least I can see why it exists. The DSi has yet to provide me with a hint as to its purpose. The two cameras are conceptually a very interesting idea, but when we learned that they were 0.3 megapixels I’m sure I’m not the only person who assumed that it was a typo. My three year old phone has a 5 megapixel camera. So the cameras are clearly not supposed to be used in order to take photographs but rather in order to provide new elements of gameplay. But with only a few doing so to date and most developers obviously working on games that will be able to be played on the more widely used DSlite, the cameras remain as potential for now.


This looks fun. Rest assured it is not.

As I really appreciate the downloadable focus of the PSP Go and the strong support Sony has shown for it by making so many games available online at launch, the lack of downloadable games on the DSi is made to look even more emaciated. There are some interesting games that are worthy of attention but seeing as Nintendo has the gall to sell chunks of full retail games such as Master of Illusions, my confidence in the direction the service has taken is hardly bolstered. Like the cameras, there is a lot of potential for excellent and imaginative titles, like the wonderful (and free) Flipnote Studio. Unfortunately there is also room for the Mario clock and calculator (both 2 dollars).

So that is it for the trilogy. Thank you for bearing with me through this arduous slog. If you thought I was too lenient on the Big N let me know of anything I missed in the comments section. Thought I was too harsh? If you want to see a spirited defense of Nintendo be sure to check out Top 5: stupid reasons to hate the Wii. And for Wii owners out there, we get New Super Mario Wii soon! Can't wait.

Why hasn't Microsoft...

Microsoft is in a curious position at the moment. Not a terrible position by any means. In fact they have every reason to be smug with more than 31 million units sold, already 10 million more than its predecessor. However the Xbox 360 is now four years old and that is as long as the original Xbox lasted, but for a while at least we are unlikely to see a successor. Developers don’t want to have to move onto new technology and they have hit a sweet spot of being able to provide their console for a low cost whilst still turning a profit. And yet despite all the good news Nintendo is still steam rolling onwards to world domination and Sony has actually began to sell some of its supercomputers, so what do Microsoft need to do in order to provide the 360 with fresh impetus? A Halo game every year seems to be their strategy and they are counting on bringing in Joe Six Pack with Project Natal, but perhaps before they do so they should correct a few glaring issues.

Get rid of the Arcade Unit
Why should they?
Despite being only 200 dollars, the Arcade Unit manages to be a rip-off. It is almost an act of deception for Microsoft to continue to sell this product. Due to the fact that it lacks a hard drive, the Arcade Unit has significantly less functionality than the Xbox experience promises. Want to download XBLA games? I hope you have plenty of those 256MB memory cards. Want to download Xbox classics? I’m afraid you can’t. Want to download Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix? You are out of luck sunshine. Install your games for faster loading? You must be joking. Got Rock Band? I hope you like the set song list because you certainly won’t be able to get many additional tracks.
So what does Joe Six Pack (hey, it’s been a while since the election, I’m bringing him back into the spotlight) do when he realizes that he can’t do any of the above things? Don’t worry buddy. Microsoft will allow you to buy a clip on Hard Drive for… wait how much?



Why don’t they?
Because they can continue to make a lot of money off people like Joe Six Pack, or his mother Mary-Anne bottle of Jack Daniels. The least informed consumers are the ones that suffer the most in this situation which according to my dictionary is a form of exploitation. And not the good kind like in Tarantino movies.
But having a 200 dollar price tag is just too good a marketing angle in the war against Sony, so don’t expect them to drop the arcade unit until the can find a way to get the Elite down to 200 dollars. Do your bit to save the ignorant masses; stand in electronics stores screaming dire threats at people trying to buy an Arcade Unit*.

*Due to legal reasons thedogbarks does not endorse insulting, exhibiting threatening behavior or maiming the general public.



Make Live free
Why should they?
Xbox Live is an excellent package and millions of people enjoy using the service. For 50 bucks a year. No big deal, I hear you cry, I’m swimming in cash and 50 bones is no big deal. Well both the Wii and PS3 allow you to game online for free. And whilst playing anything apart from Mario Kart online on the Wii is about as enjoyable an experience as having Edward Scissor hands perform open heart surgery on you, it is at least free. PSN is catching up with Microsoft’s service pretty quickly, and with cross game voice chat apparently soon to be available, there is little left that it doesn’t do. Bearing this in mind, they should make Gold membership free for all and tear down the wall of segregation they themselves had put up.

Why don’t they?
Microsoft charges 50 bucks per person per year for Gold membership. There are currently a gazillion Gold members (figure may not be accurate). 50 X a gazillion is… a lot of money. To stop charging people for Gold membership would be akin to a man throwing money off a cliff without stopping for the rest of his life.
And everyone’s favorite analyst, Michael ‘Mad Dog’ Pachter thinks Microsoft may go even further, predicting that Microsoft will raise the price of Gold membership to 100 dollars a year in the future. As a note of caution, Michael Pachter has also predicted that next week in an unprecedented move, Tuesday will be before Monday, so take his opinion with a hefty grain of salt.



Make more games
Why should they?
I’ll admit this is a somewhat strange qualm I have, but Microsoft doesn’t seem to be, well, they don’t seem to be making games. Sure, there are plenty of great games coming up, but the majority of them are multiplatform (including the PC) and made by 3rd parties. Seeing as Microsoft went out of their way to buy up so many studios, it would be nice to see them encourage their studios to make some games. As opposed to shutting them down as they did with Ensemble studios, whose only crime seemed to be that they made a successful 360 RTS game utilizing the Halo franchise. As they had been asked to do.



Why don’t they?
I guess they are content with promoting the content that other companies develop for them. Although they are unlikely to launch a new console in the near future, I’m sure that they are putting a lot of money into R and D (perhaps in order to ensure that their new console doesn’t spontaneously combust when touched). Oh, and Natal. I always forget about Natal.

So, Sony and Microsoft are done and dusted leaving Nintendo to go under the spotlight next.

Why hasn't Sony...

Well, well, well. Look at you Sony. After three years of taking things lying down you have finally decided to make a decent fight of this generation. The PS3 is now a reasonable price, you have a decent library of games with a few gems on the horizon, and you are about to lead us into the future with the first completely digital gaming device. Bravo. But I’m afraid there are still a few things you ‘forgot to do’. Not exactly ‘forgot’, like an elderly relative who forgets the importance of wearing clothes whilst grocery shopping, but rather like a shifty acquaintance who ‘forgot’ to pay you back the money he owed you. These are things you should have done, either because you promised to do so, or because it is so painfully obvious that even a man with the I.Q. of a piece of cheese would have been able to spot them.

PS2 on PSN
Why should they?
At the launch of the PS3 Sony boasted about their complete backwards compatibility. They sneered at Microsoft’s gradual updates that eventually allowed 360 owners to play the most significant Xbox games on their next generation console (and Barbie Horse Adventures: Wild Horse Rescue oddly enough). We, they claimed thrusting out their chest to near exploding levels of pomposity, are the real deal when it comes to backwards compatibility. They also conveniently ignored the fact that it wasn’t completely backwards compatible and that the Wii had already been there and done that, but lets not spilt hairs here. Especially when now, in 2009, there is absolutely no backwards compatibility available on any of the PS3 models.



Until the PS2 finally shuffles off this mortal coil there is seemingly no chance of that happening. Judging by the fact it still somehow manages to sell 100,000 a month, you shouldn’t hold your breath. But what about downloadable PS2 titles? We were promised them too. Judging by the noises Team ICO have been making they are rather keen on being able to pimp their classic games to a fresh audience. And seeing as the God of War collection will soon be released there is clearly a demand for these older titles. Surely if they released PS2 games on PSN that were also compatible with the PSP Go then it might have a chance to become a Gameboy Advance SP as opposed to a Gameboy Micro in terms of success. And when week after week we are subjected to PS1 titles that look as appealing as Lee Carvello’s Putting Challenge the sense of exasperation merely grows. We want to give you money; why don’t you want it?

Why don’t they?
Out of sheer vindictiveness? Sony is done with the PS2, and has made that clear on several occasions. Despite that someone (glares around the room in order to try and identify the culprit) is still buying PS2s. Possibly by accident, or by suffers of Alzheimer’s who have forgotten that they already own one. Either way Sony isn’t going to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs, and seeing as a PS2 costs 100 dollars and probably costs a buck fifty to make nowadays, they just can’t stop putting it out. In their eyes, giving us the opportunity to buy PS2 games on a PS3 cuts into their own profits. And seeing as Sony wants us to focus on their upcoming software, they prefer to keep the two markets separate.

Trophies in Home
Why should they?
Because we want them. Sure many people don’t care about Trophies but why not do it for those who do? It’s a well established fact that games with legendarily easy Trophies or Achievements sell better. A damning indictment of the shallow nature of gamers perhaps, but why not exploit that? Would Avatar the Last Airbender have been played by anyone if it weren’t for the fact that a child with undeveloped motor skills could have gotten all 1000 Achievement points? Not a chance. By putting Trophies in Home, as they promised to do before its launch, you would guarantee that more people used the service. So far the only games that I know to have done so are Resident Evil 5 and Disgaea 3. Give us a Trophy room and watch the number of people using home double… from six to twelve.



Why don’t they?
Because Sony wants Home to fail. There can be no other explanation. They have been doing a pretty good job of sabotaging their ailing service, but with recent signs that it may not be utterly worthless they are desperate not give us any more incentives to check it out. I suspect an insurance scam.



Drop the price of the PSP Go
Why should they?
Because 250 dollars is too expensive. I want the PSP Go to succeed. I actually like the design and however you may feel about consoles going completely digital, the benefits for handheld devices should be clear to everyone. So why make the PSP Go so unappealing? Only 50 dollars cheaper than a PS3 and almost 100 dollars more expensive than a PSP 3000, it really is in a terrible position.



Why don’t they?
They have already released it, and only a company truly intent on pissing off their loyal early adopter customers would be as foolish as to drop the price of a device so quickly. They put a price on it which was clearly too high for 5 year old technology that didn’t offer any exclusive content that couldn’t be purchased on a older model and now they have to live with it. But hey, nothing says ‘I understand the concerns of the average gaming enthusiast in a global recession’ than a 250 dollar handheld, right?

That’s it for Sony’s little roast. Check back soon to see the sins of Microsoft and Nintendo.

Digital Love: arcades and dating

Increasingly Japan seems like the last stand for arcades. Ever since the Dreamcast console was able to replicate the arcade experience authentically, we realized that a perfect arcade port was not exactly what we wanted. The ‘just one more quarter’ mentality is lost when you can continue as often as you like, as is the sense of spectacle for those wishing to impress the masses. Instead on the home consoles they are exposed as fun concepts that are too simplistic to hold the attention for longer than a few hours. Thankfully Japan never gave up on the arcades even though the scene is admittedly in decline.
Instead, they realized that a shift in focus was needed.

Are you a traumatically shy young Japanese kid? Do you need something to do on a date which promises an intimate connection with your partner, but doesn’t require either of you to look directly at each other? The appeal of playing video games on a first date might not be apparent to some, but in many ways an arcade game has become part of a standard ritual for young couples, and arcade machines have adapted accordingly. In Japan the arcade experience has become as much a part of the dating scene as it has for the hardcore arcade enthusiast. Although it isn’t as much a part of Western culture upon reflection it shouldn’t be that surprising. Arcade games often involve a shared experience and require teamwork, something which can easily be translated into a compatibility or ‘love score’; something you can either laugh at or use to give significant glances whilst raising your eyebrows. Dating arcade games also rely on both players being relatively new to the experience, rather than console games in which one player has usually had more practice than the other, and so the novelty of the shared experience fosters a sense of unity. Novelty itself is also an important factor, and the more outlandish and ridiculous the game the more entertaining it is.



With traditional arcade games effectively made obsolete by consoles, the games have been adjusted to attract a vide variety of people for a short period, as opposed to a smaller but devoted clientele. Light-gun games used to be tweaked to the serious individual who would learn enemy patterns and develop tactics in order to get as much value out of their money as possible whilst aiming for the coveted spot on a leaderboard. The first Time Crisis for example, was strictly a single player affair and with the ability to use cover it demanded a more considered approach. Point Blank changed the concept of light gun games with its bite-sized chunks of action that appealed to those with short attention spans. Nowadays light-gun games put a stronger emphasis on co-operation in order to make the experience more attractive to couples. The new House of the Dead game was developed specifically for couples to play and gives a compatibility rating for those playing. The main characters are depicted as a Shibuya styled boy and girl that reflect the intended audience. Of course the chance to excel at a game in front of your (touch wood) beloved will draw gasps of admiration and guarantee a fleeting moment of respect. We might not be able to rescue Princesses from castles nowadays (or even children from Michael Jackson’s basement anymore) but you can still save your special someone from persistent zombie attacks. In an odd, geeky, and slightly touching way, arcades give us the chance to be the hero. It certainly beats scoring a ‘cold fish’ rating on a love tester.



The arcade Mario Kart is another exceptionally popular game for couples. For those decrying the ‘catch up’ mode (or cheating bastard mode as it is otherwise known), you clearly haven’t had the opportunity to red shell a girl before. Don’t google that expression, you never know what might show up. The genius of the game is that almost no matter the difference in skill levels you will still be competitive. More competition means more good natured abuse and cajoling of each other, and if I have learned anything from American romantic comedies, it is that when two attractive people display nothing but open venomous hostility to each other then chances are that they harbor a wild passion for each other. It has yet to work in real life, perhaps I’m not being offensive enough, but I’m convinced that one day this hypothesis will bear fruit. The ability to take pictures of yourselves which then are displayed above your racer with the outfit of your character is also a nice touch. It’s hard to put someone on a pedestal when you have seen them with a Mario moustache.



Finally there are the bizarre games which no doubt you have heard rumors of. There is the poke someone in the bum game, the flip over the table game, the drive a bus game, the walk the dog game; essentially the novelty games. They serve as conversation starters, or a way to let down your guard and relax with someone. And nothing quite breaks the ice on a first date like watching someone give an arcade cabinet an enema.

So whilst the Japanese arcade scene is certainly on the wane, it has strived to reinvent itself in order to remain profitable and appeal to a different kind of consumer. In America the arcade has been consigned to the history books. Arcade conventions have become playable museums, nostalgic but no longer a part of popular culture. Japan never gave up on the arcade.

Top 5: gimps in games

Ah thedogbarks, you really have jumped the shark now, haven’t you? Well, in a way, yes I can’t deny that statement in relation to this article. But if you are going to jump the shark, you may as well do so in style. And what indeed could be more stylish that the much maligned gimp? No I’m not talking about some industry CEOs who shall remain nameless. And no, I’m not referring to ridiculously attired Final Fantasy characters, so fans of Tidus can breathe a sigh of relief. We are talking about the classic gimp in all its glory. Lord only knows how I came up with this subject, but I was surprised that the five came so easily. Who knows, ten years from now this could be a Top 100 list (although I sincerely hope not). I was just rather shocked that whilst I could only think off the top of my head of one gimp in a movie, of course the terrifying appearance in Pulp Fiction, the video game characters that are a little too fond of rubber and leather came to mind perhaps rather too easily. That might say more about me than the industry but nonetheless, I invite you to hold your nose, take a deep breath, and dive into the Top 5 gimps in games.

Voldo

Little Johnny was thrilled to get his limited edition Modern Warefare 2 nightvision googles

Voldo has the curious ability to be both the quintessential gimp, and utterly unique. Curious goes some way to describing Voldo, but perhaps more apt expressions would be ‘freakish’ ‘terrifying’ or ‘a nightmare in a cod piece.’ You can win fights with Voldo in Soulcalibur simply because the other person is so disturbed by his physical appearance that they are unable to concentrate. When you do muster the courage to focus on his writhing limbs not only will you notice some spectacular costume choices including some Heavy Metal inspired codpieces, but also a disturbing amount of skin. One of the most graphically impressive but upsetting aspects of his appearance in the Dreamcast Soulcalibur was noticing that he has fairly prominent veins on his posterior.
Fulfilling the basic criteria he has a slavish devotion to his master, Vercci. Even the death of his owner doesn’t prevent him from attempting to follow Vercci’s wishes. Also note the fetching blindfold and gag combination and he really is the complete package. On a final disturbing note, one actor was actually used to capture some of Voldo’s movements for Soulcalibur 3. Head of the motion capture department, Kent Kojima said,
“I was astonished that a human being could actually move like that. It left quite an impression on me.”
You and me both Kent.

Psycho Mantis

In Amsterdam all gimps are required by law to have a barcode tattooed on their heads so they can be identified

Psycho Mantis is the thinking man’s gimp, if there is such a term (there isn’t). He is certainly a debatable choice as he doesn’t share most of the necessary qualities to be a gimp. In fact Grey Fox seems far more fitting for the role, with his penchant for getting him to ‘Make me feel!’ When Snake obliges by punching him in the chops he screams out ‘Hurt me more!’ Usually the judges would be voting for Grey Fox, but Psycho Mantis has an elegant and classical style with a nostalgic World War II gimp sense to it thanks to the fetching gas mask. With the parental abuse he suffered he has the right background to fit the bill and throw in the fact that his boss fight was the conceptual birth of the sex toy applications available on Xbox Live and he is an irresistible candidate.

The Garradors

At the last minute Leon realized he had made a poor choice for a first date spot

The Garradors is probably a name you are unfamiliar with, but if I were to say ‘the big ass gimps with claws from Resident Evil 4’ it would probably spark some recollection. The first time you meet one of these blind and brutal monsters it is imprisoned and up on a crucifix. Apparently this is not enough containment as it soon breaks out and proceeds to try and disembowel you. Sporting a rather fetching gladiatorial gimp look, they are clearly givers as opposed to takers. But seeing as the Resident Evil franchise does have a slight gimp fetish, I would be remiss in my duty if I failed to mention Lisa Trevor, the chainsaw wielders from Resident Evil 4, and the chainsaw wielders from Resident Evil 5. Again, none are gimps in the classical sense but there is enough of an evocative nature to their appearance to at least warrant notice. As a footnote I would recommend steering clear of the character designers for the franchise.

Iwazaru

I apologize if you have a nightmares after seeing that picture

If you haven’t played Killer 7 then you missed out on a fascinating but fundamentally flawed game from Suda 51; the maker of fascinating but fundamentally flawed games. You also missed out on a wonderful gimp appearance from your butler/slave/advice dispenser/servant Wenzel Diel Boris Iwazaruskopf VII, or Iwazaru as he is known to his friends. He is dressed entirely in red and black bondage gear and appears suspended above the ground by a red bungee cord. The dark horse of the Gimp Olympics, this little known competitor is in a class of his own when it comes to gimpery. His only weakness is that due to one of the most convoluted and insane plots in the history of humankind, by the end you don’t really have a clear idea as to who he is. No name, no medal.

Carl Johnson

After a tough day at work Luigi liked to unwind

Our final entrant is, of course, from the Grand Theft Auto series. Can't remember when our favorite Jack Thompson baiting murder simulator homaged Pulp Fiction's most rubbery character? In San Andreas there is a mission in which our valiant hero CJ must don a gimp suit in order to seduce a casino employee who has a taste for S and M. Seduce is too noble an expression to use on reflection. Especially considering that you have to murder her previous gimp, steal his dildo and then seal the deal with Miss Millie Perkins in order to finish the mission. The strangest thing? Despite the fact that you have killed and then replaced her pimpfriend, she then wants to date you afterwards. The raw charisma of the gimp suit can be overpowering I suppose. Even though he only dons the hallowed gimp attire briefly, nonetheless we must applaud CJ for upholding the noble ideals of the gimp in games.

No room left for average games

With so many great games to look forward to this holiday season and well into 2010 spare a thought for the ‘average’ game. The game that arrives with little hype, to decent but hardly spectacular reviews, mild to good sales figures, then quietly shuffles off into obscurity. Should we even lament the fact that despite the hours, days and years the developers have put into their product it is met with a collective shrug by the gaming community? These games don’t fall into the ‘party-game-quick-lets-get-the-damn-thing-out-in-three-months-make-a-few-bucks-then-move-onto-the-sequel’ category. Instead they have clearly had time and effort but into them, but for one reason or the other fail to capture the imagination of the public.



Although I would like to think I have an eclectic taste in games often I do base my purchases based on reviews. This probably comes from my childhood when I had to count on birthdays, Christmas and untimely deaths of family members to fuel my fledgling addiction for games. Thus every review was pored over in order to determine what the best buy would be, and how much mileage I would be able to draw from it. I don’t have quite the same financial restrictions nowadays, but there is something of the collector snobbishness within me where I like to have ‘good games’ on my shelf. I make exceptions for certain genres of course, but essentially that has been my rule. I managed to struggle against my pretentiousness for a while to play two games that didn’t meet my usual criteria and they left me wondering if there was any room for the ‘average game’ in the barrage of supposedly AAA titles.



I had been playing Tomb Raider Underworld (Metacritic score – 76%) for the last couple of days, but having bought my copy of Uncharted 2, I doubt that it will played again for quite some time. I got through about half of the game, which is by no means a bad game, but it suffers from the fact that Uncharted 2 and even the first Uncharted game are simply better in what is essentially the same kind of game. When there is such a direct comparison to be made the faults of the lesser game leave a greater impression as do the positives of the superior game. Whilst there is much to be admired about Tomb Raider, there are so many frustrating aspects that aren’t present in Uncharted 2 and by playing both games you are ruining your experience with one of them. Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune was criticized for having enemies that soaked up bullets. But at least they reacted to gunfire. In Tomb Raider Underworld you can repeatedly blast a man at point-blank range and he won’t so much as cough until he takes the requisite damage to send him into an embarrassing canned death animation. Like many average games, Tomb Raider suffers from having a better direct competitor but it has managed until now to survive through the legacy of the Tomb Raider franchise. A legacy built on interesting locations, good exploration elements, a huge rack and fish lips. Unless there are significant lessons learned from Uncharted (making your lead character look less like an inflatable sex doll for instance), this average game may not be able to lean on history much longer.

The second title I played which also failed to set the gaming world on fire was Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood (Metacritic score 78%). I have more fondness for this title as I hadn’t played any games based on the Old West for quite some time. The fact that it was quite different stylistically to the last FPS I had played, Killzone 2, meant that it was conceptually intriguing at the very least. And whilst I enjoyed the game I can see why the reviews were merely decent. It has a number of technical issues and the character models aren’t particularly spectacular but it had an entertaining plot and amusing voice acting, sometimes intentional. It wasn’t, however, a game that I would have bought. Both games were borrowed from a friend who buys a lot of games (thanks toomanywires!), and besides him I was interested who these games appealed to.



It seems that the most important thing for these average games to have is a niche or a clear target audience to hit. Tomb Raider can hardly be called a niche title, but at the same time its success is related more to its past than present. Call of Juarez would be a game that those looking for something a little different in their FPS might find attractive. Put them up against a lot of the higher ranking games though and their position seems a little more precarious.

To finish I should point out that of course Metacritic is by no means how you should make your purchasing decisions. Any professional reviewer would tell you that a score between 70 and 80% is actually a ‘good’ game as opposed to an average one. Any professional reviewer would tell you that, but it still doesn’t make Metacritic worthless as a means of comparison and it still doesn’t stop a number of consumers from only considering games that get over 90%. As the AAA titles start to hit the shelves for what seems like a six month period of anticipated games you have to wonder whether there will be any place left for the average games.

Game over for Japanese developers?

Is the Japanese game industry dying?

Capcom’s Keiji Inafune certainly thinks so, and with all the reports about the decline in attendance and booths at this year’s TGS, as well as a lack of any significant announcements, it is hard to disagree with him. Walking around on the public days of the show, whilst uncomfortable as always, wasn't as physically crushing as it was last year. And although you had to wait about an hour to play most of the games there, it was no way near as insane as the scenes at last year’s TGS when hordes of press charged for the Capcom booth to try and get a game of Monster Hunter 3. The official numbers put the first public day attendance at 62,138 compared to 71,639 last year but the most damning aspect was the lack of any news. In retrospect it was utterly pointless for Sony to hold a keynote address at all but they did manage to fill up a lot of time talking about nothing. But before I seem too negative, I’m going to take a perhaps unjustifiably optimistic perspective on the Japanese gaming industry. Rather than dying, it is evolving to adjust to the shift in the industry. Given the conservative nature of Japanese companies, this is no mean feat.



TGS itself turned out to be little more than a scaled down E3, with a few eccentricities added and a lot less star power. But let us be realistic about this. Swine flu is a huge deal here. Not just the outbreak of it, but also the fear and caution that is encouraged by the authorities. Considering the apparent PAX outbreak, it is hardly a surprise that many chose to stay away from TGS this year. As I write this 60% of the students at my school have been sent home over swine flu fears, so it’s safe to say that it played a part. The economy was also a factor which kept mid-level companies like Hudson at bay; Japan is currently in the worst economic crisis since World War II. With the rise in prominence of Games Con and the return to the glory days of E3, TGS just doesn’t have the same weight that it used to carry. All excuses aside: the Japanese games industry has been punching above its wait for a long time and now the balance is being redressed.



There is now a massive divide between games that are made for the Japanese market, and those made for a worldwide market. Japan simply does not have enough people to justify making huge budget games that cater specifically to them when the European and American markets dwarf them by comparison. Even speaking as a Japanophile, this is clearly a good thing. If they had never aped Western developers, we may not have seen online integration in many games. Controls in games like MGS4 have been tweaked to make them more flexible and multi-faceted as opposed to their predecessors. And whilst Japanese developers are loath to tinker with any successful elements of popular games, their need to adapt has led to some significant changes in big franchises. The camera in Resident Evil is one such example, as is the camera in MGS4, as well as the option to configure buttons which used to be somewhat of a rarity. Even the pillars of JRPGs Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest, have experimented with aspects of MMO gameplay. There have been some missteps but by and large the change has been for the better. The days when mistranslated games would cause amusement and confusion seem long gone; nowadays a lot of the translation and Western voice acting is done parallel to the development of the game, rather than once the Japanese version has been completed and shipped.

The games which remain firmly targeted at the Japanese market have not needed to adjust as much. At the moment if you see anyone in Japan playing a DS, there is about an 80% chance they will be they will be playing Dragon Quest. For PSP players there is the about the same odds on them playing Monster Hunter. These two games have been such a powerful force in Japan, that it has been almost a detrimental factor in the move to the next generation of consoles. Japan just doesn’t consume games in the same way as it used to and now everything is so focused on these two franchises that developers don’t see the need to develop expensive PS3 or 360 games for a Japanese audience when they can make far more money with a portable game.



Instead the games that make Japan so unique have become more culturally important within the industry, but with less important financially. At TGS games like Yakuza, Okimiden and Tokimeki Memorial 4 gained greater significance from the crowds as symbols of what made their gaming industry still meant. It is unlikely that any of these games, if actually released, would sell well in America, and probably won’t garner fantastic sales in Japan, but because they are so Japanese it seems important for them to cling to their history.



In fact many of the best games still come from Japan. MGS4, Mario Galaxy, Street Fighter IV, and Resident Evil 5 are just a few examples off the top of my head. It isn’t that the Japanese gaming industry is dying; it’s that the Japanese audience for big budget titles is dying. The big Japanese developers are expanding beyond the island country and whether the Japanese public conceptually follow them towards more Western games is an interesting issue. Those who don't may be left with Final Fantasy, Dragon Quest, Monster Hunter and a hell of a lot of horse racing games.

Why do so many rumors turn out to be true?

As many have observed, gaming journalism has changed significantly in recent times. From the days when Nintendo Power was the monthly gaming bible, the word of the Lord no longer issues from its pages. The switch from the print to the internet has not only changed the manner in which we get our gaming news, it has also changed the way in which our gaming news is gotten for us.



With the launch of the PS3 Slim and PSP Go we can confidently say that there will be no significant hardware released this year. No, a bigger hard drive doesn’t count as a new hardware release. But both the PS3 Slim and Go have already had troubled pre-launch periods as everyone waited to get their hands on them. Why? Because we knew about them a long time ago. It’s hardly a surprise that PS3 sales have spiked due to the lower price, but also because gaming journalists have been encouraging us to wait for the redesigned model for just under a year. There’s nothing quite like the rumors of a major hardware update to kill the sales of a system, and all year you feel as though Sony have been struggling to get to this point, where they can finally exhale and start selling the products they have, as opposed to the ones they will have.



We all knew about the PS3 Slim and the PSP Go well in advance of their announcement. Well, the PSP Go’s premature accidental unveiling to the world is well documented; someone posted an episode of Qore what showed of the new model, and the one subscriber to Qore posted it on the internet. But even before that there were murmurings of a radical redesign of the PSP.

Likewise the Slim and even Wii motion plus had been heavily hinted at by journalists in advance. My question is why? Is it something they have been told from someone in the know that they are unable to officially confirm, but that they want to express as a rumor in order to get the word out? The mythical embargo dates? Or is it because it seems so obvious that it is inevitable that it would eventually appear. In the case of the PS3 Slim for example, we were already aware that the PS1 and PS2 had already had a redesign. Then was it mere speculation as to when the trimmer version of the monolithic PS3 would emerge?



Thanks to a devoted and tech savvy army of internet gamers, it isn’t only the journalists that are spilling the secrets of gaming companies. Often we hear of websites hacked in order to reveal the existence of a hint of a future project. But seeing as Hideo Kojima sees fit to taunt us with endless countdown clocks, I can hardly judge people for wanting to cut to the chase.

Nowadays the statement ‘We do not comment on rumors or speculation’ is as good as a confirmation in my mind. With video games becoming more and more a 24 hour news cycle, we are always looking for the next big story. Many complained at the lack of major announcements at the Tokyo Game Show. With the way the industry is now, you should be impressed if any announcement at a game show shocks you.

Did you hear the rumor about (insert N4G.com story here)? It’s probably true.

Top 5: most tired debates in gaming

We gamers are by our very nature, an argumentative bunch. Over-informed and highly opinionated, we love to mercilessly hammer our opinion home. Those who disagree must be humiliated and destroyed. A cursory glance at a message board will teach you everything you need to know about the mindset of a gamer. As well as informing you of the extra-curricular activities your mother engages in to pay the rent. Oh, and they are also generous enough to help you come to terms with your sexuality. But to be fair, what else can they talk about? Every possible debate or interesting conversation regarding gaming has already been expressed, posted, rejected, affirmed, and then bastardized in the form of a nonsensical Top 5 list. Here are the Top 5 main offenders of this grimly inevitable cycle, and whilst we still enjoy dipping our toes in their depths of discussion remember this; that argument has been had so often it makes even yo momma look like a virgin. Cough. Sorry about that.

Are games art?
Ah, the classic EDGE debate. As a youth I subscribed to that magazine and eagerly awaited each issue in order to consume the knowledge that it imparted to me. It gave me the sense that the video games I was devoted to were not mere wastes of time and money which could otherwise be spent grappling with study of engineering or classic literature, but rather their intellectual equal. I wasn’t playing games; I was imbibing a unique form of media. My friend rightly pointed out that I had my head so far up my own ass that I could measure my small intestines. I couldn’t really disagree. When the issue arrived featuring Mario standing before a blackboard which had ‘Games are Art: Discuss’ written on it, I knew that if I didn’t change my pomposity, I might end up as a guy who spends his free time blogging about video games without being paid to do so… wait a minute…
The answer: In 1991 Damien Hirst created a piece called ‘The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living’. It was a shark in formaldehyde in a vitrine. This is art.



The real question isn’t whether games are art; it’s whether, considering the company they would keep in that category, you would actually want them to be.


Fact: Shadow of the Colossus is better than Art

Who would win in a fight?


Character battles have been done to death. In fact, they haven’t only been done to death; the corpse of character battles has been re-animated then killed again several times in order to ensure that we can properly beat this dead horse. They have been done so often that in a meta sense, they have become interesting again. Why do people vote the way they do? Why do people still care about it? Why do I still care about it? Even theoretical mathematicians have firmer ground on which to base their calculations than we do when trying to decide if Master Chief could kick Sephiroth’s ass. And yet, unfailingly, no matter how cynical we are, we continued to get sucked into this black hole of gaming debates to which there is no answer.
The answer: Superman. The answer is always Superman.


Unfair

What is the future of gaming?
Despite being continually discussed since the birth of gaming, this debate at least always stays fresh because of course, the future of videogames is always changing. If you went back in time and showed the people working on Pac Man a copy of Gears of War 2, they would probably die of hyperventilation, having obviously soiled themselves first. The technology of gaming devices has progressed at an incredible speed and therefore it is almost impossible to determine where the industry will be ten years from now. The future is pregnant with so many possibilities that we cannot help but go misty-eyed and babble about the games that our grandchildren will play. For us though, apparently the future of gaming is motion controls. Bugger.
The answer: The answer has always been 3D. Even when we actually had the Virtual Boy and realized that 3D could be terrible, the future was still 3D. Even when the Master System did it ages ago, the future had to be 3D. Why do we want the future to be 3D so badly? Well, if you have ever been enraptured by Ivy’s voluptuous form it’s not so difficult to imagine why we have been working towards this goal for decades.


The reason for 3D gaming

Graphics versus Gameplay
Some of you may be even too young to remember when this debate seemed important, if so I also apologize for my occasionally crude sense of humor which may not be age appropriate. Still, it was back in the heady era of the 8 and 16bit consoles when playground arguments over the merits of Sonic and Mario actually mattered. In fact to read more about that I suggest you follow this link to a mildly brutal face-off between myself and toomanywires on that very subject.
Anyway, back to the issue of whether graphics or gameplay were more important. What is most surprising is that it is a debate at all. If the game looks fantastic but plays terribly then it isn’t a game. It’s called Dragon’s Lair. The reason that this debate no longer gets trotted out with the frequency it used to, is that due to the changing nature of the industry the two usually go hand-in-hand. As much as I hate to glorify the ‘Hollywood Blockbuster’ nature of AAA titles, high production values usually mean decent quality games. Companies have to pump so much money into developing high quality games that you hope for their sake they make the damn thing playable as well. Of course this is not universally true, there are still some great games that look simplistic, and some glossy games that aren’t very good.
The answer: Why choose?


This is not a game

And finally…

My console is better than yours
The answer: Shut up

Top 5: Weirdest Japanese games to be released overseas

Japan is famous for creating some of the strangest games ever made. Here we celebrate the fact that a few of these games somehow make it out of their motherland despite the fact that they are entirely baffling to audiences not well versed in Japanese culture. And then there are also games that even having a complete knowledge of Japanese culture will get you no closer to understanding. Add in some occasionally terrible translation and you get games that are on their dying breath even as they heave themselves onto Western shores. Could these demon spawn concepts have been given life by a Western developer? It is hard to say. We can merely be thankful that not only were these games released in Japan, but someone was crazy enough to release them abroad too. These pioneers undoubtedly have earned their place in the pantheons of video game history. But probably tucked away in the corner so as not to creep the others out too much.


Yep. This is a Japanese game

Mister Mosquito is an inevitable, but no less deserving choice. There have been many unusual protagonists in video games but a mosquito has to be the one of the strangest. Yes in this game you fly around a household trying to suck blood from various members of the unfortunate Yamada family, trying to flee their attempts to squish you. It’s such a simple concept, yet at the same time it is hard to imagine how this ever got out of a brainstorming session. The fact that it is a competent and entertaining game is as much a mystery as how to the game itself was conceived. And has there ever been a character based on such a fundamentally unlikable creature? It seemed impossible to top. That is, until Sega upped the stakes with the next entrant on this list.


Play Seaman. You won't go blind, but you may want to scratch your eyes out

Seaman is one of the most captivating yet revolting games ever to have been released. The combination of the head of a Japanese salaryman on the body of a fish is one which will continue to baffle video game historians for years to come. It is such an insane premise for a game that it is somewhat surprising that it was even released in Japan. Or that it would gain widespread popularity and fame. Or that it would produce an equally off-kilter sequel.
Then in an act of madness or malice, Sega unleashed this Frankensteinesque monster upon the Western world. For a start it was a statement of intent that they didn’t change the name. Then they lured us in with the dulcet tones of Leonard Nimoy. By the time the parasitic eggs of the Seaman had burst forth from the unfortunate body of an unsuspecting host fish, we had been sucked into the bizarre horror of Seaman. Certainly a part of me died the first time I saw one of the Seaman extend his phallic antenna into the skull of a fellow Seaman and proceeded to consume him by sucking his body dry.
But the final straw? When my Seaman insulted my mother. By this point he had learned basic speech, and with me roommates watching I decided to slap him around for laughs. Seaman turned to face me, a cold steely glare in his eyes and simply said ‘Your mother.’ What he meant by this I will never know because I never played it again. Since then I have been careful to treat all creatures, digital or otherwise, with respect and fear.


Ah. Thank you for making that so clear. I honestly can't decide if this is grammatically correct or not

Mystical Ninja 64 was a fun 3D adventure game with RPG elements to it. Why then is it on the list? Because it is very, very Japanese. Weird Japanese. And off the top of my head I can’t think of another game that featured a laughter track. Or a main villain called ‘Spring Breeze Dancin’. Watch the opening scene and you will probably get a good idea of what you are getting yourself in for. The plot of this game is basically that a Kabuki troupe has taken command of a flying temple and is using a hypnotic beam in order to transform everyone into members of their performance. But that isn’t the best part. Besides the off-the-wall humor, the songs are the most wonderfully bizarre aspect of the game. Witness what happens when you summon the giant robot version of your character (that Japanese guy has the best voice ever). Now click on this link. All together now,
"Power to the highest limit, Super Punch!”


School wasn't humiliating enough the first time round? Get ready to go through the trauma one more time!

There are a number of Japanese RPGs that could have made the list, in fact the list should be composed entirely of them, but I decided to limit the genre to one entry. And due to the fact that it is still a fresh and relevant franchise, the Shin Megami Tensei series, and in particular the Persona spin-off series, make the list. The Persona games all take place in Japanese high schools and that includes everything that it entails, from attending classes and club activities, to dating. It should be culturally inaccessible to Western gamers but thankfully it was released overseas. Oh, and the fact that the high school students shoot themselves in the head in order to summon demons also means that this is a game which could never be made in America. The fact that it was even released there is a minor miracle.


The Fire Island welcoming committee was world reknown

Cho Aniki is totally gay. Not in a derogatory sense, not in a homophobic sense, it is just totally gay. Have a look at some of the pictures and you can see things which you thought no one could have dreamed of in any situation under the influence of no quantity of mind altering substances. This series is campy, funny and completely insane. And yet despite traumatizing all who come into contact with it, some genius decided to make it available to an unprepared Western audience. If you have a Nintendo Wii, a credit card and the internet then you can purchase a piece of history. Because right now you can buy Cho Aniki in both Europe and America, and you can change your perception of life as you know it. In a list of games that celebrate the bizarre, this game stands head and shoulders above the others, flexing its lathered-up muscles at the same time.

'WWII + magic + kids = Nazis vs. H. Potter?' reflections on the Square-Enix unreleased trailers

The TGS Final Fantasy XIII trailer has been released on the internet. People have poured over its 7 minutes relentlessly and dissected it extensively, hoping to glean as much information as possible. In fact there is a lot of plot development in the trailer. Almost too much for my taste as there are certain aspects of the plot that I would rather not have been revealed with 5 months still to go before its Western release. But instead the focus of this post is to talk about the other trailers that Square-Enix showed, that to the best of my knowledge have not yet been released on the internet. In total the trailers added up to about 20 minutes and it was shown in a small room which you were led into after you had played the Final Fantasy XIII demo. It isn’t intended to completely describe the contents of the trailers but rather to give impressions from them, and also to highlight my own journalistic naivety when it can to trying to make notes on them. Hopefully at the least you might be mildly amused by the desperate, child-like scribbling I made when trying to make these notes. For those with a more academic mind-set, feel free to see them as a physiological expose on an over-excited sufferer of schizophrenia.

‘Kingdom Hearts. Mobile. Birth by Sleep. Coded’

And that, I’m sorry to say, is all I wrote about the Kingdom Hearts trailers. It isn’t that I’m uninterested in the franchise, I played Birth by Sleep for the PSP at the show and its shaping up nicely, but I was just surprised by the sheer volume of Kingdom Hearts games that are emerging. No matter how much its fanbase wants a console release, for the time being Square-Enix seem content to keep it as a portable franchise. Consider that the handheld market traditionally skews younger and they are far cheaper to produce, it is an understandable direction that they are taking. Oh, and Kingdom Hearts Mobile looks like a cell phone avatar or tamagotchi shopping game so don’t feel as though you are missing out on that.


‘Survival horror game. The 3rd Birthday. PSP but looks incredible. Firearms and monsters.’

If for some reason you struggled with that description, the extremely brief trailer was that of the Parasite Eve spin-off, The 3rd Birthday. I had no idea of that going into TGS though and two things in particular surprised me. Firstly the cut-scenes are so good that I thought it was a yet-to-be announced PS3 game, which had me very excited. The PSP logo at the end was both a disappointment and impressive. Square-Enix really has made a habit of pushing hardware in the graphical department.

'Dissidia - Universal Tuning’

Is all I wrote for that trailer. Square-Enix have a habit of releasing ‘International Editions’, ‘Final cuts’ and ‘1.5’ versions of games in Japan, but you aren’t missing out on anything. By and large they are the American versions of the game complete with any gameplay tweaks or additional content that the developers have worked on between the Japanese release and the translation process. ‘Universal tuning’ is yet another of these. Aren’t you grateful that you don’t have to buy two versions of your favorite game, unlike the Japanese? For those who think that they are getting taken for a ride by Capcom and next year’s Super Street Fighter IV it may be a bit of a reality check.

‘2nd Life game? This fantasy is based on reality. FF versus 13. Looks Monster Hunter style. Town scene. Very early and rough looking. Handicam shot of in-game footage onscreen.’

Final Fantasy Versus XIII was shown at TGS, but essentially in order to show people that the game is in such an early state at the moment that no one should expect the game to come anytime soon. As I tried to note, the trailer was filmed on a handicam in what looked like one of the developer’s bedroom as he filmed the game running on his TV. This was really, really early looking, not much of a step up from boxy polygonal figures. Square-Enix doesn’t want us to think about Versus XIII for a long time. With both Final Fantasy XIII and XIV due to be released next year, it is unlikely we will be seeing this game released until 2011. So, you know, don’t hold your breath. ‘This Fantasy is based on reality’ is a phrase that appeared onscreen, and, from what I can guess, it seems like an almost defiant statement that the game exists in some form. Either that or Square-Enix is indeed making a 2nd life game as I initially assumed. The line for Chocobo farmers starts here…



‘PSP push. Agito XIII PSP. Look WWII with magic. Kids. Magic + kids = Nazi vs. H. Potter!? Old maps.’

By this point I had clearly lost the plot, but I will say that the game does look incredible, and with Square-Enix obviously making such a concerted effort on the PSP and showing games that appeal to me, it may be the last straw I need in justifying the purchase of a PSP Go. And, well, clearly on some level I am intrigued by the idea of Harry Potter taking on the Nazis.

Finally I’m going to leave you with some of the garbled notes I wrote on the XIII trailer you have all seen by now. These are just brief snippets, as I actually wrote a huge amount on that trailer, but it seemed rather unnecessary to write about it once I knew that it had been released. Still, enjoy what, to those who have no idea what I’m talking about, might seem like the ramblings of a man who is so high he is on another planet.

Snow and GF? On flying bike circling. Happy. Yes GF. Goth loli girl. Kiss. Crying. Before rebellion. Small friend has same hair as bad guy. Black guy gets Ferrari drive mode. Glasses woman threatening! Ice girl is hot. Bare nipples confirmed! For man.

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