The Death of the Furries

Do you have a hankering for some 3D platforming? To frolic through candy-colored world filled with adorable woodland critters? Want to play as a cool yet cuddly hero supported by a wise-cracking sidekick? Well I hope you still have your PS2 and N64 hooked up to the TV because the dearth of current generation mascot games has become rather noticeable of late.



So many of the games which defined the previous generations of consoles were mascot platformers. Jak and Daxter, Banjo-Kazooie, Sly Cooper, Ratchet and Clank, Spyro, Crash Bandicoot, and Rayman are amongst a host of notable franchises to grace our presence. Only three of them have appeared so far this cycle and two of those have done so in a significantly altered manner.

Have we all become indifferent to their charms? As someone keenly awaiting the next installment of Ratchet and Clank Future I would disagree but perhaps I am in the minority. Still, considering the projects the developers went on to create it is difficult to begrudge their shift in focus. Naughty Dog moved from Crash Bandicoot and Jak and Daxter to the critically acclaimed Uncharted, and the sequel is one of the most anticipated games of the year. Insomniac Games wet their beak with Spyro and Ratchet and Clank before shifting tack this generation with Resistance, and Sucker Punch went from Sly Cooper to Infamous. All excellent games, but certainly indicative of a shift in the industry.

The change in emphasis seems to have occurred for a number of reasons. As with all forms of media, the advancements in technology inevitably lead to new pastures. Previous consoles couldn’t render humans as well as they can now, so a cartoony style was more suited to their technical limitations. The aforementioned studios have also gained a greater autonomy due to their prior successes and were able to shift to projects that they felt more attached to. Perhaps most significantly, the perceived demographic of gamers has shifted dramatically this generation, leading to the decline of the mascot platformer.



Currently there is a huge divide between ‘casual’ and ‘hardcore’ games. Think for a moment about the most anticipated games that will be released within the next year. The vast majority are unlikely to be suitable for children. Certainly you wouldn’t want them playing Modern Warfare 2, God of War 3, Bayonetta and Splinter Cell (although they probably will) but they are some of the most interesting prospects on the horizon. The younger audience will once more have to rely on Mario and Ratchet to provide quality games at an appropriate level. Many games that don’t have Teen or Mature ratings are now party games or are linked to the Imagine franchise. It is an indication of how the market for games has changed. The mascot platformer represented a time when games were seen as holiday season gifts for children unable to pay for the game themselves. With the amount of games that have been shifted to the beginning of next year it is clear that the marketing men believe that the majority of consumers are independent income earners and therefore are not reliant on parental whims.



Should we lament the decline in prominence of the furries? I suspect that few people feel that strongly about them anymore. Still, spare a thought for kids today that may never play a game that doesn’t have a gun in it.

Erotic gaming in Japan

If you have seen the latest screenshots of a game called Queen’s Blade, then shame on you. Clearly you are a social degenerate that is tired of conventional pornography and are now intent on plumbing new depths of erotic experiences. For those who haven’t seen any screenshots, I have thoughtfully provided one for you to mull over.



Upon seeing such an affront to dignity it is difficult to form a coherent response, but obviously a few questions spring to mind. The most pressing one being ‘What the hell is wrong with Japan?’ Whilst I can’t directly answer that question I would like to shed some light on what seems to be an unanswerable question.

Since I was a kid I have always had a passion for anime and Japanese culture. My friends would no doubt have been irritated by the persistence and passion with which I recommended my hobby to them. But at that age when you love something so much you feel the need to impose your opinion on your peers. Unfortunately at that time a movie called Urotsukidoji started doing the rounds at my school. For those lucky enough never to have seen that film, think tentacle rape. Then spend the rest of your life trying to forget that image. Of course this led to misunderstandings concerning my hobby and quite a bit of ribbing. I fervently protested that the movie was an anomaly, and completely misrepresentative of anime. Having lived in Japan for four years I am finally forced to concede that, in fact, it represents a small but significant aspect of the medium.



This is also true of games in Japan. It is interesting to see that occasionally some games with questionable content rise to notoriety outside the country. Many of you will have heard of Doki doki Majo Shinpan! which became known because the DS’s touch screen could be used to ‘examine’ girls that looked like overly-endowed elementary school kids. Of course in Japan most characters look like children who have only hit puberty in one key area, but it hardly excuses the imagery. Interestingly the game was fairly prominently advertised, particularly in Akihabara, partially due to the fact that it avoided being gratuitous and explicit and the actual examinations were in order to uncover witches (I’m aware of how ridiculous that sounds, just go with it). Thus despite the questionable nature of the game it came off as playful rather than pornographic.

The same cannot be said of the rape simulation game that caught the attention of internet recently. There cannot, nor should there be, any defense of this kind of product. The sad thing is that it is far from rare. In Akihabara there are quite a few game shops that cater to adult audiences with similar material. Seeing as I don’t wish to mentally scar anyone I shall move on.



So, how are we as outsiders to interpret the images that are sometimes presented to us through gaming websites? Responses tend to run along the lines of ‘only in Japan could such madness occur’. It is important to understand both that this software is a small aspect of Japanese gaming, but that it still represents a massive cultural gulf. Games in Japan are not only a product but an expression of the culture from which they originate. The smash sensation The Idolmaster was a girl group management game that proved to be so popular that numerous sequels and copycats have since emerged. It is difficult to imagine that it could obtain success in other countries.

So, what have we learned Charlie Brown? That Japanese culture is very different to Western culture? Well, I hardly think that will come as a shock to anyone. It is hardly a surprise that Japanese developers are moving towards a more Western style of game considering the more universal appeal that it entails. Instead I implore that you understand when you see images such as the ones in this article that they don’t represent what Japanese gaming has become, they are just a small part of what makes Japanese culture, and by extension their games, unique. And hey, any country that popularized the ‘two girls one cup’ video can hardly be judgmental, right?

Top 5: most influential PSN games

I believe some clarification is in order first. A more accurate title for this article would probably be ‘Top 5: PSN games that I feel will prove to be an influence, either positive or negative or in a manner to be determined, to other games that will in the future be released on the PSN or indeed any downloadable games service. So far.’ But I didn’t think it would be very snappy.

Pain

Why?: Even now, there are youths stalking the streets suffering from the evil influence of games. Since the release of Pain there has been a notable increase in the number of people hurling themselves through the air utilizing home-made catapults. The parents are concerned, the governments enraged, and the elderly are terrified to walk the streets at night in case they are ploughed into by thrill-seekers, launched from the shadows. With vandalism and breaking and entering sharply on the rise, the people cry out for a masked vigilante to answer their call. None have applied.
Oh, and it caused a massive rise in mime-related hate crimes but that is widely seen as a positive effect.
No, seriously why?: Pain is PSN’s leading exponent of the ‘nickel and dime’ approach which has proved to be so successful in downloadable games. Buying the game, for a fairly low price, opens up very little of the content, most of which remains locked until you swallow the bile long enough in your throat to pay for it. Whilst the additional areas and modes are a forgivable addition (despite being overpriced) it is the alternate characters that really set my teeth on edge. They bring little to nothing to the game beyond damaging cultural and racial stereotypes. That is unfortunately not the worst part. The worst part is that people buy them. We are always told that if we don’t buy something they won’t make it. That means a lot of you are to blame for allowing Pain to continue to bastardize all that is good in the world. The success of Pain potentially leads to more and more of the ‘nickel and dime’ approach, as well as destroying race relations and world peace.


Pain is apparently the most popular game on PSN...this is another example of why people shouldn't be allowed to vote

Flower

Why?: Flower changed gaming as we know it. After its soothing influence on the masses, games featuring violence seemed distinctly unappealing. The FPS genre died, homophobic and racist kids were converted to the Green Peace movement and Al Gore was elected into office to save the environment and catch manbearpig. Gardening Mama went Platinum overnight.


"Playing Flower makes you gay. Play Gears of War instead." (fake quote from Cliffy B.)

No, seriously why?: It is incredibly challenging to put into words the appeal of Flower. Of course it is visually stunning and the music perfectly in sync with the atmosphere of the game, but it is undoubtedly the sensation of movement which is the most awe-inspiring aspect of the game. At once exhilarating and smoothly controlled, Flower justifies the existence of the six-axis controller. Surprisingly it also had a touching story to tell and could elicit emotions from its captive audience without the need for dialogue. Rarely before has a narrative been expressed so purely and so simply. It’s very unlikely this game would ever have seen the light of day as a disc-based retail product, and for that we should be grateful to the rise of downloadable games.
It also led to many people trying to explain their love of the game to be branded as homosexuals.

Warhawk


Since the Lord of the Rings trilogy even games are being filmed in NewZealand to save money

Why?: Umm… nope, I got nothing entertaining to say about Warhawk. If you can think of anything, please add it in the comments section.

No, seriously why?: Warhawk was the first PS3 game to be available for download and to be released at retail on Blu-ray. Both versions were available on August 28th 2007. It is obvious that sooner or later we will get to a point where traditional brick and mortar game stores will no longer be necessary. They will still exist, but their influence on the industry will have declined greatly. With Xbox Live Games on Demand having launched the digital distribution model has started to blossom, but one of the reasons that Warhawk was so significant is due to the fact that its digital and retail release were simultaneous. With the launch of the PSP Go, an all digital distribution console has come sooner than most would have expected.

Pixeljunk Eden

Why?: It has been a while since I played a game which made me scream with rage or cry out in despair. Thank you Pixeljunk Eden for reminding me of how insanely frustrating games can be. Playing the game proved to quite therapeutic in a sense. I certainly experienced the same steps as those who are dealing with death.
Denial: “There’s no way the game can be that hard. I must be doing something wrong.”
Anger: “You mother******* b****** b**** piece of s***, you can s*** my c***!”
Bargaining: “Sony, I will give you money to make this game easier for me.”
Depression: “I’m terrible at games. I’m going back to board games.”
Acceptance: “Ah well it’s not for me. There must be something easier on PSN. What’s this Pixeljunk Monsters game?”


How can something that looks so beautiful be so evil? Oh wait, Lindsay Lohan

No seriously, why?: Q-Games has been a revelation as a developer for PSN. Their games are conceptually and stylistically simplistic, yet have complex elements to them and imaginative art direction. Some may prefer Monsters to Eden, but Eden is undoubtedly the more original game both in terms of its aesthetic and gameplay. And it also gets the nod over Monsters because it was the first game to have Trophies. Not that I’m able to get any of them. Yes I love the game, and yes I’m being a bit of a baby, but seriously, this game killed me. Clearly a lot of people agreed with me as the game was patched by the developers to make it easier. Which still wasn’t easy enough for me. TAKE OUT THE BLOODY TIME LIMIT!!! Cough. Sorry about that.

Noby Noby Boy

Why?: Many games have toyed with some fairly nihilistic concepts, but none more so than Noby Noby Boy. It is a game about nothing. In fact, whilst there have been plenty of games people claim to not be games (Dragon’s Lair for example), Noby Noby Boy really isn’t about anything. Yet there still is a Meta goal, to make girl grow. It also one of the first games that even the creator, Keita Takahashi, had to take several swings at explaining. And he still failed. But still it somehow sounded pornographic. But the potential influence of Noby Noby Boy shouldn’t be undermined. No matter how you felt about the game, its unique nature has opened the door for other games to take a more obtuse approach to the concept of gaming.

No, seriously why?: I was being serious.


That is Girl. She is being ridden by all the Boys in the world. Weirdly enough that statement is entirely accurate

Top 5: worst moments in games for your girlfriend to walk in on

Console gaming has evolved considerably since the NES first graced our living rooms. Besides the obvious improvements in graphics, storytelling has progressed considerably to the point where we can become emotionally invested in the plight of game characters. Gaming has matured. So, why then for the love all that is good and pure, do girlfriends always walk in at a point which, taken out of context, makes the game you are playing seem puerile and makes you look like a pervert? I don’t mean games like DOA Extreme which are targeted at perverts, but rather games that you care about. Let’s be honest, many people don’t entirely comprehend our passion for gaming, and walking in at the wrong time on any of these five games could result in further…confusion.

Final Fantasy VII: the rail incident
For many of us Final Fantasy VII was a pivotal point in our gaming history. People openly confessed to being moved to tears by the events that transpired in the game, and some even cite it as being one of the best stories ever told. So imagine this scenario; you have finally beaten the last boss in the game and are settling down to watch the closing FMV cutscene. The culmination of 50 hours of your life is close to its climax. At this moment your girlfriend walks into the room, perhaps puzzled by your misty-eyed stare and whimpering of joy. Then Tifa appears onscreen, in what my friend described as the ‘rail incident’. It is a very brief but memorable moment in which Tifa leans on a rail and it just so happens to accentuate the fact that her breasts are enormous. Colossal even. Like a pair of inflatable beach balls attached to a tiny bug-eyed Japanese girl. Your girlfriend then walks out of the room in disgust, possibly never to return again.

There are two painful points about this. One is that your entire protracted emotional investment has been undone by what looks like a fetish for underage but overly endowed Japanese girls. The other is that for the majority of the game you probably didn’t even realize that Tifa made Dolly Parton look like a pre-pubescent girl. Due to the blocky nature of how everyone looks, it is pretty difficult to determine body shape. It was just that last cutscene which came out of left field. But good luck trying to explain that.



Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater: Eva wants to eat your Snake
Metal Gear Solid 3 is perhaps the most eccentric game in what is a notoriously eccentric series. From big Russians grabbing your sackboy, to fighting 100 year old men, it is a game full of quirky touches that would pique the interest of even the casual observer. With the wealth of fascinating tidbits in the game, it would be unfortunate then if your lady friend walked in whilst Eva was filling the screen dressed merely in her bra and pants practically begging Snake to make love to her. This is hardly a short scene as well so for those sharing a house with a significant other who is suspicious of video games, you may be spending that time praying that they won’t finish whatever it is that they are doing in the next room before the end of the peep show.



Mass Effect: Let’s get physical
Let’s be honest; this is the jewel in the crown of the list. This isn’t just a brief moment in a game misinterpreted by your girlfriend; this is a brief moment in a game being misinterpreted by most of the country. It also led to the term Se’Xbox, which frankly sounds like something I’d much rather own than Microsoft’s console.
Fox News hosted a discussion on the game in which the host Martha MacCallum claimed that it left nothing to the imagination by allowing the player to engage in full graphic sex. Psychologist Cooper Lawrence added that the main character is a man who decides how many women he wants to be with.
I know what you are thinking; where the hell can I get this game? Well if such a game exists it certainly isn’t Mass Effect. However if your special someone happened to watch that segment of Fox, and already harbored misgivings about the dangerous influence of video games, I hope for your sake that they don’t stumble in on the “full graphic sex” moment in Mass Effect.



Sonic the Hedgehog: Bestiality rocks
Taking a break from the pattern of the list, we move onto a game which we don’t hold in quite the same regard as the others. But how could you leave off one of the most bizarre and traumatizing moments in gaming history? You all know it, you’ve seen the youtube clips, and you have taken it as yet another reason why the franchise should be euthanized and buried as soon as possible; I am of course referring to the kiss between Sonic and Elise. A brazen promotion of bestiality from Sega could be applauded as a bold move, or as one of the most ridiculous moments in the history of games. Hell, throw in entertainment as a whole. In terms of ridiculousness, this is on a par with the existence of Urkel. Were your significant other to walk in on this life altering scene, the only logical conclusion for them to make would be that you are a closet furry. At which point they would either dump you, or you might find yourself at a costume store picking out each other’s outfits for your new hobby.



Cho Aniki: wtf?
If you are playing Cho Aniki and anybody you know walks in at any time, you are screwed. Never mind a girlfriend, your mother would have you deported if she saw you playing this. Banish yourself from society and prepare to live in the wilderness because society won’t want to hear your explanations.

Top five: most influencial PS3 games

Uncharted



Why?: With the release of Uncharted, the current generation of games was changed forever. The concept of the hero had finally moved on from the Arnold and Sly clones of the 80s, the furry mascots of the 90s, and the melancholic drug addicts of the last decade. Drake came along, and he brought the half-tucked shirt with him. Yes the heroes of today are modeled on that kind of dopey guy in every office, who is charming in a disarming manner, but can’t seem to bear to dress smartly or bother to shave for that matter. It also gave us Nolan North. I hope you like Nolan North, because he is set to be the lead character in 50% of games next year. In fact, Drake as a character has been swallowed up by his voice actor to the extent that they are one and the same thing. When playing Prince of Persia I spent the entire game wrestling with the Meta concept of whether Nolan North was the Prince, or if Drake was under those bandages and had been hired to perform a different role.

No, seriously why?: It was the first title that actually justified the PS3, influential enough for you? Sure Resistance was pretty good, but Uncharted was the game that made people want the PS3. It also showed Tomb Raider what it should have been, and introduced a charismatic cast of characters with wit and a strong rapport. Thanks to the power of the PS3 Drake could justifiably win a wet T-shirt contest.

Killzone 2



Why?: British Nazis. Not even in my most fevered dream could I have imagined that one day I would be able to play a game in which the enemy were British Nazis. It could be seen as a clever take on an alternate reality in which Oswald Mosley gained prominence in England concurrent to Hitler’s rise to power. Or it could be that the Dutch developers wanted to have a foe which would be abhorrent to every nationality in the world. The combination of Brits with Nazis is pretty difficult to top in terms of inspiring hatred from others.

No, seriously why?: Even though the original E3 video was a fake, it forced Guerrilla Games to reach and surpass the bar that they had set for themselves. The end result is a game which when played on an HD TV, looks so good that it causes involuntary erections in teens. I leave it to others to debate its merits as a ‘Halo killer’, but suffice to say it gave the PS3 an exclusive top quality FPS that has a devoted fan base. Due to its influence, every other game has been playing catch up since its release.

MGS4



Why?: Metal Gear Solid 4 is destined to go down in history for many reasons. One of them is the fact that the total length of the cutscenes is longer than the actual game play. Rough estimates put them at around 9 hours. Not since the days of the Sega CD has there been a comparable ratio of gameplay to cutscene. When you can utter Night Trap, Sewer Shark and MGS4 in the same breath, you know that Kojima Productions has finally made it to the big leagues.
It also has the dubious honor of both making me want to smoke and making me want to quit smoking. When Snake sparks up during the installation process, I took the time to emulate him in the only way I know how without risk of arrest. However, the sight of him wheezing and gagging for breath attached an element of guilt which was uncomfortable, and perhaps glimpse into my own future.

No, seriously why?: One of the most compelling stories ever told in the medium of video games, and the most cinematic experience by a distance. Its influence will be felt for a long time in terms of how developers approach game narratives. Never mind the game itself (which was spectacular), it was the satisfying conclusion to an epic tale that gamers had been waiting a decade for, tinged with ingenuity and touches of genius. Oh, and it had a monkey in a diaper.

Little Big Planet



Why?: Sackboy was no longer merely a euphemism for male genitalia.

No, seriously why?: It was billed as not just being a game, but being a platform. Through its simple to use level editor, which also provided the opportunity to make complex mechanisms for the more inventive creator, we were promised a game which was infinitely replayable. All this, the most adorable mascot ever and the whimsical voice of Stephen Fry guaranteed that this would be the savior of the PS3.
Except that it wasn’t. It could never live up to the lofty expectations it was burdened with. It didn’t sell as well as it should have, Sackboy didn’t become the identity of the console as they had hoped, and even many of those who loved the game like myself moved on from it as they would any other game. The excellent MGS level pack aside, the DLC has merely become a series of overpriced costumes that don’t alter the game in any way and rather promote more cynicism and indifference to the game. Little Big Planet has both influenced a glut of user-created content based games, as well as showing the limitations of the fledgling genre.

Lair



Why?: It showed that six-axis control was the future of gaming.

No, seriously why?: It showed us that motion controls should never be shoehorned into games. Six-axis controls only controls have never been since. Factor 5 says thanks Sony.

America: the last bastion of free speech in video games

Don’t feel too much pressure America, but it looks like you might just be the last bastion of free speech in video games. Well, violent video games at the very least. Whilst the mainstream media in America still seems intent on portraying video games as murder simulators (GTAIV), pornography (Mass Effect), and as a tool for pedophiles to connect with children (Animal Crossing), essentially they are seen as a convenient scapegoat for politicians rather than a genuine threat to society. I guess in a country where it is so easy to acquire a real firearm, virtual ones seem less significant.

It is well documented that many popular games such as the Gears of War franchise never see the light of day in Germany. The government, though, are intent on taking further action. Not only have they banned violent videogames, but they are also looking to ban violent video game developers. The most prominent company to be affected by this potential development is Crytek, makers of Far Cry and Crysis. They are said to be considering relocating to another country which would be a great loss to the games industry in Germany.

Why then has it come to this? The obvious answer is the long shadow still cast by World War II. In some ways Germany has still yet to come to terms with the seismic shift in their culture that shaped their image on the World stage, and one side effect of that is the desire to clamp down on violent imagery in their media. This combined with the recent school shooting incident in March left the government desperate to impose themselves.



Here in Japan there remain some censorship issues that may surprise Western gamers. For all the news that is heard about rape simulation games, the mainstream games are censored to be more conservative than their Western counterparts. Resident Evil 5, for example, whilst of course still an inherently violent game, doesn’t include the more graphic depictions of violence that the Western release contains. When the protagonist is killed by a chainsaw wielding Majini, the decapitation isn’t shown onscreen, instead panning down to focus on the body as it becomes limp. This also affects Western developed games such as Uncharted, which is bloodless in Japan, and Fallout 3 which notoriously doesn’t have an atomic bomb in Megaton. For all the gratuitous violence which features in the other forms of media such as anime, manga and movies, it seems that video games are a different proposition.

Even Britain can’t seem to stomach everything that American gamers are privy to. My home country accepts almost everything, but Manhunt 2 was apparently a step too far.
David Cooke, director of the BBFC, said: "Manhunt 2 is distinguishable from recent high-end video games by its unremitting bleakness and callousness of tone.
"There is sustained and cumulative casual sadism in the way in which these killings are committed, and encouraged, in the game."
Well, we may ban games but you can’t fault the eloquence with which we do it.



So, it’s all up to you America. For now it appears that the constitution will protect violence in video games. Also due to the ever increasing influence of video games in American entertainment, and thus the economy, it is unlikely that the witch hunts carried out by ambitious political figures will amount to more than posturing and establishing said politicians as having ‘family values’. The importance of the freedom of speech, and of course the almighty dollar, still has enough clout to ensure that for now, Marcus Fenix is still free to eviscerate the Locust with everyone’s favorite lumberjack tool.

Top five: franchises Natal will revitalize

In a previous article I discussed the five genres that Natal will ruin. Now I present to you the franchises that it will not only save, but name to new, unimaginable heights. Enjoy.

Army of Two


Containing 200% more testosternone than its competitors

The sequel to 2008’s monster smash hit, Army of two: The 40th Day is due to be released this fall. I will ignore sound of crickets chirping and conclude that if you forgot about that then it was due to temporary memory loss or dementia. Never mind your Modern Warefares, Uncharteds and Halos, this, as I’m sure EA will attempt to convince us, is the sequel we have been waiting for.

The problem is that EA seems to have failed to recognize what made their game so memorable. I am of course referring to the fist bumps. Those incredible exhibitions of masculinity which occurred, often in slow motion, over 3000 times in an average play through of the game. Instead the developers are intent on making the game more ‘serious’ with sympathetic characters and a deeper and more emotional plot. After all, it worked so well for Gears of War, right?

I implore them to hold off and rethink their strategy. Imagine if instead of shying away from what made the first game the subject of ridicule from countless video game journalists, to embrace it. Use it as a trigger to bullet-time/rage-time/focus-time (however a game labels it, it is essentially the same thing) through slow-motion Natal assisted fist-bumping. If you are partnered with an A.I. character I envisage the action switching to a first person perspective in which the accuracy with which you bump your fellow psychopath affects the duration of the bullet/rage/focus-time. In split screen two player, of course it will also depend on your fist bumping ability, but with additional merit being awarded for combos including middle fingers and hand jerking motions. Come on 1UP staff, a game with those elements should be guaranteed an A+.

Family Game Night!


Divorce rates are set to rise

In the most remarkable coup since Final Fantasy appearing on the 360, Microsoft must snag the Family Game Night franchise from under Nintendo’s noses. Play with Mom, Dad, Sis and Little Billy! See Dad’s barely contained rage at the fact that his preteen son has already surpassed him! Experience Mom and Sis’s argument over why she is way too young to be wearing makeup! Enjoy the fact that a simple family game ends up in an argument between Mom and Dad over the fact that he cheated on her five years ago!

The power of Natal would film all of these special moments and in the same way as You’re in The Movies, would create a highlights reel at the end of a play session to secure the precious memories, and be applicable in a divorce hearing.

Dragonball Z


Never drop a toaster in the bathtub kids; because knowing is half the battle

The Dragonball fighting games have been steadily improving in recent times, but still few could argue that they are becoming stale and are in need of a revamp. Thanks to Natal, players will be able to experience the anime sensation more realistically than ever before. Which in reality means crouching, face locked in a look of extreme constipation and screaming at your TV at the top of your lungs for several hours in order to throw a fireball.

Imagine Babyz


Soon 360 owners will have their console tainted by this abomination

Terrifyingly, of all the franchises listed here, this one is the most likely to take advantage of Natal. It does make perfect sense I guess, in so far as it will allow you to take care of a child using accurate motion controls in a manner that apes the real action. Thus I would like Ubisoft to take the franchise in one of two different directions once it makes the leap to Natal.
1. As an educational tool to promote abstinence – These girls want to play Mommy? Give them the real deal. The Xbox is permanently switched on and, just like a real baby; your virtual offspring will need constant, feeding, cleaning and attention. Fail to provide your baby with the care it needs and, like any tamagotchi pet, it will expire, resulting in a failing home economics grade and some seriously mentally scarred junior high school kids.
2. As a physiological evaluation tool – It was about five minutes after the announcement of Milo that everyone instantly thought of various inventive ways in which they could abuse and corrupt the poor kid. By accumulating data on how people interact with the virtual baby, Ubisoft could compose a physiological profile of each player and sell the data to recruitment agencies and marketing firms. If this happens expect a lot more unemployed people and some disturbing new products on store shelves.

Ashes Cricket 2009


Ashes Cricket 2009 features hand shaking and sportsmanlike conduct!

For the Americans out there, thanks to the power of Natal you will be able to experience the noble and majestic sport that is Cricket. In case you didn’t know, at the time of writing this multiplatform game is the top selling software in the UK and a force to be reckoned with. In the next iteration Natal’s motion sensing technology will teach everyone how to play one of the world’s oldest sports.
So if you want to know what silly mid-off is, how to bowl a googly, play a sport that takes five days to complete a match which often ends with a draw as the result, take afternoon tea… on second thoughts never mind.

Top five: stupid reasons to hate the 360

Microsoft is evil
Yes indeed Microsoft is a big evil and soulless corporation, trying to squeeze every last penny out of its gullible consumers, and at this very moment Bill Gates is stroking a white cat whilst an employee is being devoured in a tank full of crocodiles. But guess what? Sony and Nintendo are big soulless corporations too. Put aside all the bullshit you think you know about even the beloved Miyamoto san. He isn’t some Willy Wonka skipping through fields of candy as magic bursts from his finger tips. He is more likely to be rolling in mountains of money, cackling maniacally and wrestling cute Japanese girls dressed in Pokémon outfits. Well, maybe not but you get the picture.


After a tough day at the office, Bill Gates really knew how to let off some steam

The idea that Microsoft is in any way more ‘evil’ than their competitors is a laughable notion. Given the opportunity Sony would set fire to your family if they thought that it would lead to an increase in their profits. Hell, given the opportunity even your Grandmother might do it. Watch your back kids.

Microsoft ‘bought’ success
One thing that bothers many people, myself included, is how Microsoft appeared on the scene as a relative newcomer, and yet simply bought a lot of talented studios in order to guarantee quality software on their system. They took my beloved Rare away from me and tore Bungie from the PC community, before dumping several wheelbarrows full of hundred dollar bills at Rockstar’s door to ensure that consumers who were foolish enough to buy Sony’s console would be unable to enjoy DLC. And how dare they take Devil May Cry, Tekken, and Final Fantasy and put them on Microsoft’s machine?


Come back to us Rare!

First of all, in an ideal world all games would appear on every platform so that everyone could enjoy them. But glancing out of the window I can see that hell hasn’t frozen over yet, so timed exclusives are a necessary evil I can deal with. I find the self righteousness of the fanboys more amusing. Sony fanboys, Final Fantasy doesn’t belong to you, a fact Nintendo would be keen to point out. The reason that so many developers are keen to jump into bed with Microsoft isn’t just the money (although it hardly hurts), it’s also a bit of a ‘screw you’ to Sony and Nintendo. Both of them have been dominant at one point or another and most likely pissed off a few people in the process. I’m sure the ridiculous cartridge publishing costs for Nintendo systems hasn’t been forgotten in the industry.

They are milking the Halo franchise
Mario, Sonic and Megaman say hi.


Mario's party lifestyle lead to a tragic heart attack at the age of 42

The 360 explodes
Ah Red Rings of Death. Besides being a potential name for a horrific pornographic movie, the RROD taught us all a valuable lesson. Consumers are stupid. Microsoft gave us a piece of plastic duct taped together and we bought it by the bucket load. It’s difficult to imagine many other pieces of hardware that could be considered successful despite their criminally high fail rates. According to videogame journalists many are on their third or fourth console. If that fail rate were applied to contraceptives then China wouldn’t be the only country with overpopulation issues.

But seeing as 360s aren’t contraceptives (although in a way they are a good preventative measure to ensure you have less opportunities to have sex) we should give them a bit of a break. Finally, finally Microsoft seems to have gotten a handle on things. Their warranty program was robust enough to ensure that most gamers were not inconvenienced too much by their temporary loss. Let’s just pray that they add a little more sellotape when they launch their next system. And hopefully it won’t sound like a helicopter is taking off every time you turn it on.


Microsoft branded pregnancy tests bearing the RROD logo are due to be released next year

Microsoft rip-off every idea from their competitors
Xbox 360 avatars were stolen from Nintendo Miis. Sony’s Eyetoy was doing Natal’s thing years ago. Microsoft are not innovators, they are thieves with big wallets. Right?


A new look for the Jonas Brothers

Not even close. No matter how much Sony fanboys scream bloody murder about how much they despise it, without Microsoft this generation would be significantly worse than it is now. Other consoles dabbled in online before, but Microsoft waded in there and made it a central part of the gaming experience. When we play games we are always connected, and that is thanks to Microsoft. Do you think for one moment that ultra-conservative Japanese companies Sony and Nintendo would have jumped into online if they weren’t pushed? Perhaps, but not as quickly and not as deeply. The improvements that Sony has made to their online interface are nearly always in response to something that Microsoft already offers on their service. It stops Sony from getting complacent. Can you remember life before Achievements and Trophies? Well unless you are three years old of course you can and that is a ridiculous question. But still, for many people they changed the way that they play games. An entire cultural gaming shift has taken place because of Xbox Live and the Achievements system. We might never have gotten to experience Home…hmm…you have to take the bad with the good I suppose.

Before I sound too much like I’m trying to get into bed with Bill Gates, yes the Avatars are of copies of the Miis and yes Natal is stolen from Eyetoy. But everyone steals anyway. How do you think Mom can afford to send you to college?

Top five: stupid reasons to hate the PS3

Multiplatform games are inferior to the 360 version

The PS3 and 360 era has brought with it one of the laziest and dullest aspects of videogame journalism. I am of course referring to the side-by-side comparison videos. Intentionally fan boy baiting wastes of time, usually the only thing you will realize after watching one of these is that your time is completely worthless. And you might well suffer from retinal damage or at least eye-strain from staring fixedly at the screen in a vain attempt to find any discernable difference between the two versions. The resulting comments below the video are sure to made by people who have amazing powers of self deception if they believe that the bloom lighting effects make any real difference to them.


It's a game of spot the difference! If you can spot the difference... don't tell me because I don't care

There are a couple of exceptions where one version is slightly superior to the other, but as someone with both consoles but an SDTV, I couldn’t care less. Initially the 360 versions tended to be better than PS3 versions but recently they are pretty much on par. But really, is it important? If the answer is yes then I suggest you pick your nose with a chainsaw because you clearly don’t have enough intelligence to realize that it wouldn’t be the best of ideas. There are obviously quite a few of you too, because if we didn't watch them, websites wouldn't keep on giving them to us.

Home
I won’t lie; I die a little inside every time I check in on Home. So many things about it make me feel sad about the world we live in. People paying real money for virtual clothing, mating rituals that involve avatars trying to ascertain whether each are the gender they claim to be, waiting in line to play bowling (waiting! in an online environment!), and the fact that dancing is apparently still entertaining, all bring a lump to my throat. Thinking of the plight of starving children around the world can’t bring me to tears, but Home gets pretty close.


The reimagining of 'The Odd Couple' seemed destined to fail

If you feel like I do then its time to get over it. It’s free. They are giving you something for nothing. You might hate it but at least you don’t have to pay for it, unlike politicians. Nobody is forcing you to do it. Believe me, the talented staff working on Home wouldn’t have gone on to make a triple A title if they didn’t have to maintain Home.

Overpriced



This one is no doubt a sore spot for Sony. Hopefully with the impending release of the PS3 Slim it will be rectified, but for the time being it remains a valid concern and one which Sony has been trying to side-step for the last three years.

So instead I would rather berate the haters. The people who are the most viciously vocal on the price point are 360 fanboys. They have no intention of buying the system (their parents told them they have to wait till next Christmas) but seem determined to brand anyone who bought one as, to put it mildly, stupid. Price comparisons between the cheapest available 360 and the PS3 are misleading; anyone who actually wants to be able to get any use out of their console would be wise to steer well clear of the Arcade model.

But seeing as they were mad enough to launch a console for 600 bucks, let's remind them of one of Uncle Ken Kutaragi quotes,
'It's probably too cheap.'
It's one thing to charge us an arm and a leg. It's another thing to stick us with the bill for the prosthetist and telling us we are getting a good deal. Which leads us nicely onto the next point...

Arrogance
Sure things are all changed now. Having been firmly bludgeoned into third place by Nintendo and Microsoft, Sony is currently spending most of its time on hands and knees trying to lick the boots of developers to make them give a damn about the PS3. But remember those heady, wild days before the launch of the PS3? When we were told that we weren’t just buying a console, we were buying a supercomputer? And we were impressed by rubber ducks in bathtubs? Something about jacking into the Matrix? Maybe syncing it up with my refrigerator so it would order me milk when I was running low? Crazy days. Then it actually released and we found out that we had just spent 600 dollars on what was essentially a 360 that broke less often.
Still we got some wonderful bat-shit insane quotes from the mad-as-a-hatter Ken Kutaragi. Let’s enjoy one of his classics.
“We want consumers to think to themselves ‘I will work more hours to buy one’.”
Still, unfortunately he resigned, so with Sony eating big slices of humble pie, let’s move on from the arrogance thing. Jack Tretton at least seems as if he is living on the same planet as us.


Ken imploring parents to sell their kidneys in order to buy their kids a PS3 for Christmas

The online isn’t as good as 360
True. I'm sure that even the most ardent PS3 fanboy could admit to the superiority of the 360s user interface. But then again PS3 owners don’t have to suffer the indignity of having to pay for a service that also bombards you with advertising. Pay. Yes, my beef with Microsoft is not the amount we are expected to pay, its that they ALSO get revenue from advertisers. PS3 owners don’t have to endure targeted advertising which continually reminds 360 owners exactly how society sees them; statistically likely to be obese, single, white males aged 12-35 who have poor personal hygiene. Nintendo owners on the other hand have yet to discover what this ‘internet’ is.


Thank you advertisers for thinking so highly of us. As gamers we too must be 'dollar menu guys'

Top five: stupid reasons to hate the Wii

Nintendo abandoned me
“All the games are way too childish for me. I’m a mature, adult gamer whose needs have evolved beyond what Nintendo are able to offer me. I sneer at pastel Britney wannabes who play their cheerleader games, living their plastic lives. I crave something more stimulating."


Cliffy B's favorite game

Oh really? Is that what you really want? Because you do realize that mature doesn’t mean tits, blood and eviscerating something with a chainsaw while dropping the f-bomb, right? And if you did really want that then Madworld would have sold a hell of a lot better than it did.

Chances are your relationship with the big N has been going on for longer than any romantic entanglement you have ever had. If any. That is why their betrayal cuts so deep. They were your first true love; you supported them through good times and bad, but despite everything that you have done for them, as soon as that casual gaming crowd starts flashing a bit of cash they fall flat on their back like a hooker with four kids to feed.

Well time to grow up junior and take your parental abandonment issues elsewhere because Nintendo don’t owe you a damn thing. They have always been a family oriented machine it’s just that they never really managed to reach that market until now. Oh, and if you thought that Windwaker was too ‘kiddy’ for you but wet your pants when you saw the first Twilight Princess trailer with an adult Link and opera music, guess what? That isn’t ‘mature’ either. Tits, blood and swearing is.

Anti-pedophile online
What? You want a friends list? To play with people without first entering in a 16 digit code? To have trophies and achievements? Voice chat?

Clearly you are a pedophile, and Nintendo in its infinite wisdom will do everything in its power to make it as inconvenient as possible for you to get online and start molesting children. Thank you Nintendo!


Wait for me just a little longer kiddies! I'm coming!

Imprecise controls
“You just end up waggling randomly, there is no real skill involved, and flailing away gets you the best results.”

I can hardly argue too strongly with this, but I still love the incredibly arrogant assumption that is made by the gamer who uses this reason to slam the system. That unspoken sentiment is that if the controls were indeed perfect 1:1 representations of your actions that they would be actually good at it. To make a sweeping and unjustified statement, we gamers are hardly star athletes. That is why we prefer to play virtual sports as opposed to actually getting off our asses (well that and we don’t like post-game communal showering). If videogames really provided that accuracy, without any kind of assistance to the player, then we would be made to feel like weaklings rather than the demi-gods that we know ourselves to be.


Wii Fit: paying a lot to be called fat

Where is (insert relevant franchise)?
Well take your pick my dear because there are quite a few that are apparently due a revival such as Kid Icarus, Kirby, Starfox, Zelda, Donkey Kong, F-Zero and Pikmin.
I suspect that this complaint enrages Mr. Reggie Fils-Aime the most, which is something no one wants because an enraged Reggie is somewhat akin to a bear that has just been punched in the balls. Nintendo have justifiably gotten a lot of stick from the hardcore for the quality of Wii games, but this is a lose-lose scenario. If they make new iterations in the aforementioned franchises they stand to be accused of a lack of innovation and ambition. Nintendo has thrived but been overly reliant on their core franchises, so when we go four years without a Starfox game, the fanbase get twitchy.


Fun fact for the day: Reggie eats children (Fun facts are not factual)

Nintendo are making a concerted effort to appeal to third party developers this generation after years and years of getting them to crawl on broken glass to get their ‘seal of approval’. By flooding the market with quality first party software they risk pissing off a lot of people that they really need. It sounds dumb (and if it makes you feel better it is pretty retarded) but if Nintendo make a lot of incredibly successful games, it hurts them financially in the long term. After the N64 and Gamecube years of wandering alone in the wilderness, you can hardly blame them for wanting some company.

Terrible graphics
Ummm… yeah alright I will give you that one.

Why gaijin shouldn’t wear yukata (and why we do anyway)

It is summertime here in Japan which can only mean one thing!... well actually it means quite a few things. Mosquito bites for one, and weather so humid that clothes aren’t removed so much as peeled off, but I digress. One of the enduring appeals of Japan is the spectacular fireworks displays, and the unusual juxtaposition of old Japanese culture with its more modern side. So whilst the atmosphere has probably changed little over the years, the glow of thousands of mobile phone illuminating the surroundings provides a poignant reminder of just how much times have changed.

Of course yukata are a big part of what makes the fireworks festivals appealing to so many people. The chance to reconnect with Japanese history is something that many of the younger generation are not interested in, but the yukata still carries the symbolism of old Japan. So, as foreigners in Japan, why do we feel the need to claim something so distinctly Japanese as our own?



For a person who has owned as many yukata as I have, I remain moralistically torn on the issue. On one hand it is appealing to try to assimilate yourself more deeply into Japanese culture, to experience something new and to feel as though you are part of an event rather than merely a curious bystander. On the other hand a gaijin in a yukata sticks out like a single middle-aged man at a Hannah Montana concert.

In a purely practical sense though, I have learnt my lesson. Unless you have a yukata technician with you at all times I strongly recommend caution. Fireworks displays inevitably involve plenty of walking, often shuffling through sardine-packed train stations and squeezing though small streets. Whether it is due to the thickness of westerners’ legs or lack of proper training, chafing is an inevitable evil. Vaseline is a necessity unless you intend to walk in a John Wayne gait for the next week. Likewise geta, though impressively authentic, seem designed to tear every possible tendon in the feet of a gaijin.



The real danger though is the unintentional ‘Marilyn Munroe’ moment. Due to suffering from the afore mentioned physical injuries, I foolishly decided to loosen my obi in an attempt to alleviate my pain. A strong gust of wind ensured that the traumatizing of many a young impressionable mind.

Please people, remember to wrap up tight this summer. Or, like me, you risk setting back the cause of foreigners in Japan for another 50 years.

Top five: characters suffering from undiagnosed medical conditions

This isn't just 'the gun show'. This is the N.R.A.

Chris Redfield – Gigantism
Ever since the infamous first screens of Resident Evil 5 were released an epic debate has raged on the internet. Capcom had certainly made some controversial decisions and many observers were shocked and appalled by what they saw. I am, of course, referring to Chris Redfield’s arms. They defy the laws of nature, and possibly God himself. Essentially it appears as if someone has stapled two baby calves to his shoulders. There can be only two rational explanations for his dramatic transformation. Either the man has spent the intervening period between Code Veronica and Resident Evil 5 bench pressing anvils, pausing only in order to inject his biceps with steroids, or he has developed a sudden and extreme case of gigantism that is isolated in his arms. The reason that Chris never has any sexual chemistry with women in the games is due to that fact that he is fully aware that any romantic entanglements he engages in are likely to result in the accidental death of his unfortunate partner.


The easiest caption competition of all time

Marcus Fenix - Tourette’s syndrome
Marcus clearly suffers from the same issue as Chris, but has the additional burden to bear of suffering from an acute case of Tourette’s syndrome. Taking a peek at the script of Gears of War it would be interesting to see just how many times the f-bomb was dropped. If indeed there is a script. I half imagine that voice actor John Di Maggio was simply asked to swear as much as he could and then the other dialogue was put in as an afterthought.
Perhaps it explains his passage into the military. No one is born looking like a linebacker, after all. When he was diagnosed with the condition at an early age he needed to find a job where his secret shame would go unnoticed. Butchering horde of aliens alongside a wide-murdering sociopath filled that prerequisite nicely.



YES! YES! IT'S BLOODY METAL GEAR! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

Genome soldiers – short term memory loss
When the scientists were cloning the DNA of Big Boss someone clearly accidentally dropped in some goldfish DNA. How else could you possibly explain their rather feeble response to being assaulted by a mysterious infiltrator? You can pop a cap in each of their kneecaps then run and hide in a closet because after a two minute period they have forgotten that you existed at all. No constantly wailing sirens, no reporting to the higher ups and God forbid they look under any suspicious cardboard boxes. As soon as the all clear sounds they pop off back to do their rounds without a care in the world. They certainly haven’t learned to deal with their illness as effectively as Solid Snake. He is fully aware of his condition and is able to commit simple statements to his long term memory banks through constant repetition. Though he may not fully remember what he has done throughout his missions he is at least fairly confident that it is something to do with ‘Metal Gear’.


Sheppard - the Joe Pesci of game characters

Commander Sheppard – dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality disorder)
Why is Sheppard the best damn police officer in the galaxy? Because unlike his/her peers, Sheppard can be both the good cop and the bad cop. An interrogation from Sheppard is likely to leave the unfortunate recipient cowering in a corner, shocked and traumatized. Few people can offer soothing tones of reconciliation followed swiftly by a vicious right hook. It is his/her ability to turn emotionally, ideologically and physiologically on a dime that inspires fear in anyone unfortunate enough to cross paths with this troubled diplomat. Lurking inside Sheppard is his dark side, his light side, and his Switzerland side. For the sake of those he meets, lets hope Bioware don’t add more dialogue trees in the sequel.


I apologize for a picture of Tingle. If you can't see it consider yourself lucky

Tingle – Tingleism
Tingle is a character that we often forget, but that is just because we try so hard to deny the fact that he exists at all. There are so many things wrong with this character that it seems churlish not to give him a condition based on his name. If you did want to try and pin down some element of what makes up ‘Tingleism’ (otherwise known as ‘Tingleitis’) you could include a dash of ADHD, a sprinkling of dwarfish, a hefty dollop of Puer aeternus (commonly referred to as ‘Peter Pan syndrome, he is 35 years old after all), and served with a big slice of repression. Let’s say repression of everything so as not to limit ourselves.

Open world is the new FPS

Infamous, Prototype and Red Faction Guerilla were all released within a few weeks of each other and all shared one core gameplay experience. Whilst they are of course wildly different games stylistically (cough), they represent the new era in videogame design philosophy; the open world experience. Although this is hardly a new concept, and certainly GTA has been mining that particular vein successfully for quite some time, it is only when the floodgates open that we can truly say that the genre has settled in and is ready to dominate for the foreseeable future. The era of the FPS has abated and the dawn of the open world game has come.



The dominance of one genre of game is often determined by the technology available. Thus the 8 and 16 bit consoles were flooded with platformers, and once Rare and Bungie showed how FPS games should be made on the consoles the focus shifted. Now, eight years after GTA III arrived, other developers are ready to hop onto the bandwagon. The main challenge for many has been to differentiate themselves from Rockstar’s behemoth. Saint’s Row didn’t even try, instead adopting a crasser and more juvenile tone which carved its own niche, but also provided a solid and entertaining world that was fun to explore. Now everyone is taking a crack at the open world experience, with varying degrees of success.



Modern superhero games follow the GTA formula and their appeal comes from how the environments are traversed. Spiderman, Hulk, Crackdown, Infamous and Prototype all derive their experience from creating a real world and then presenting a protagonist that is able to subvert the limitations of their worlds. When the player is able to traverse their environment in an exhilarating way, it is best to give them an open world in which to do so. Bionic Commando taught us that by limiting the player to a preset path, the joy of movement is substantially diminished.



Though the superhero sub-genre seems the most natural fit for open world games, there is plenty of potential for others to emerge. Fallout 3 successfully created a lavish and fully realized open world and upcoming FPS games like Borderlands are set to continue that theme. Likewise racing games have tried to branch out into creating larger sandboxes in which to play, though the inherently linear nature of racing games indicates that there are some types of games that should be left as they are. For all its record-breaking sized play area in Fuel, there was little to play with.

The inherent problem with open world games is that the nature of the experience means that telling a compelling story is much more challenging. As the player has complete freedom to do as they please, the pacing is easily diluted. The ‘ticking time bomb’ plot element which is prevalent in many movies and games loses its impact when the player is able to goof around without any sense of urgency. Additionally, the ability to goof around means that you are able to commit acts which are completely out of character for the protagonist. The way in which many of the games have dealt with this issue is to have a morality scale in which your actions have some kind of karmic response. People criticized Infamous for having an overt and somewhat heavy handed ‘Good or Evil’ dynamic, but the way in which the NPCs interacted with you depending on your moral decisions was well conceived. Prototype on the other hand, dealt with the issue by making your character essentially immoral, so that hurling random civilians from tall building could still be in-keeping with Alex Mercer’s personality.



Given the vast potential of the open world genre, it is tempting to hypothesize that there will be no further genre shifts in videogames. After all there are so many kinds of game that can be incorporated within a sandbox game. Indeed the wide variety of MMOs that have gained popularity in Asia hint that there is plenty of opportunity for expansion in the genre. But before we resign ourselves to a future of mini-map missions, there is one compelling counterpoint. It is very easy to get open world fatigue. Having finished Infamous then immediately starting Red Faction has been a trying experience. If sandbox games are to be the dominant genre, developers had better think of a way in which to make them… more linear.