Peripheral Vision: Steel Battalion

The fact that this peripheral exists at all is ridiculous. How it ever found its way to market is a mystery that may never be solved. In my mind’s eye I see one eccentric Japanese billionaire with a fetish for giant mechs pouring resources into this doomed project. Surely no one who was aware of the term ‘budget’ could ever have sanctioned this monstrosity.

The Steel Battalion controller, as you can see from the picture, is humongous. Boasting two control sticks, three foot pedals and over forty buttons it aims to recreate the experience of piloting a giant mech as accurately as possible. It does a pretty good job of doing so. Just starting up the mech requires several buttons to be pushed and switches to be flipped which are there for that specific purpose. It even has an eject button that must be pressed when prompted or death will be the result. Let’s be clear, piloting a mech in Steel Battalion is more challenging than learning to drive. Or possibly fly. And unless this game is part of a covert Japanese government initiative to unearth the most talented potential pilots for their secretly developed mech program, then this knowledge is next to useless.



Initially launched for around 20,000 yen in very limited quantities worldwide, you can now pick one up in Akihabara for around 7000 yen. I guess the fact that this thing takes up an entire apartment means that people are unable to justify keeping one. So if you have a large house in Japan, are lucky enough to find one, have 7000 yen to blow, have a Japanese Xbox and have a fetish for mechs, then pick it up. Although seeing as you are probably the creator of the game it seems a little unnecessary to do so.

Peripheral Vision: Donkey Konga Bongos

Do you want your neighbors to hate you more than Satan? Get Donkey Konga!

There are some videogames that were never meant to be played in apartments. No matter how well meaning and civil a person you may usually be, some games create enough disturbance and noise that you will turn genteel and reasonable neighbors into hate spewing monsters intent on getting you evicted. Donkey Konga is one of those games.

It is astonishing to think that this was a game made in Japan. In a country where only the rich and the famous can afford to live somewhere larger than a broom cupboard a peripheral was born that could send shockwaves of noise through several layers of an apartment block. The game that came with these bongo drums was predictably a music game meaning that you will be beating the things pretty hard. Considering that unlike a stereotypical beatnik, you are going to be beating these things pretty damn hard and rhythmically it is strange that no one thought that the noise would be an issue. Well beyond the two second screen that warns you to be considerate of others.


This is what noise looks like

Even for those who want to be considerate for other and to muffle the sound by balancing them in a pillow or in your lap, it just doesn’t feel comfortable. Instead to really enjoy the experience you just have to put the bongos on the floor and beat them like hell until your landlord starts knocking on the door. Having played the game with four sets of the bongo drums functioning, I can barely imagine the ruckus it must have caused by judging by the expression on my friend’s father’s face a herd of rampage elephants might have in fact made less noise.

For those who wanted something a little different to beat your drum to, a platformer that utilized the bongos called Donkey Kong Jungle Beat was released. To defeat bosses you had to rapidly smash the bongo drums. Beside selling drugs, not paying rent and running a prostitution ring, the Gamecube bongo drum peripheral is the chief reason for eviction notices to be served.

Peripheral Vision: Playstation Eye

The Playstation Eye has the amazing ability to be utterly useless. Recently I purchased one alongside long-forgotten PS3 card game Eye of Judgment for a measly 1000 yen, and although I hardly feel ripped off, I can’t shake the feeling that I have simply managed to acquire another lump of plastic to make my small apartment feel even smaller. All of the positive points related to the product managed to be heavily outweighed by a negative counterpoint.

For example, the Playstation Eye has the ability to enable video chat in online games. Or at least it would if any games supported it. Oh, sorry I almost forgot about Zen Pinball… my mistake. Although, the fact that it doesn’t work for any games might be a blessing in disguise seeing as how video chat on the Xbox Live version has turned Uno from a family friendly card game into a very poor quality internet sex show.

Through clever integration with games, the experience for the user has the potential to be greatly enhanced. Burnout Paradise made clever use of the camera to take pictures of players who had been taken down, and then send them to the victor as a kind of trophy. Even discounting the vile images that could be flung your way, sadly it’s a pretty useless feature because no one actually has a Playstation Eye. There is little incentive for developers to integrate the feature into their games as they can’t count on an established user base.



Lastly, the one game which really makes interesting use of the Playstation Eye is Eye of Judgment, in which it can read data from cards and then convert that information into three dimensional images onscreen. It is an impressive feat, and although pointless, it is nonetheless something you would show off to your friends. At least it would be if the game wasn’t Eye of Judgment, a trading card game set in a fantasy world. Besides live action role playing there is little in the world that discourages romantic relationships than trading card games set in fantasy worlds.

Peripheral Vision: Hori Real Arcade Pro Stick 3 Street Fighter IV Edition

I purchased my first arcade stick, the Hori Real Arcade Pro Stick 3, with Street Fighter IV. So whilst I have little to compare it to, I can that it is very impressive. For those interested in doing so it is very easy to take apart and customize. Judging by how Street Fighter IV has brought arcade stick modding in the mainstream, that may be more than a few of you. This thing is a real tank with a very solid feel to it, and certainly heavy enough to cause serious damage to anyone clumsily dropping it. You have been warned. The stick itself has the traditional ball tip, and it feels nicely resilient; it rotates smoothly and it is definitely a little looser than those in the Street Fighter 4 arcade cabinets. Of course this can be adjusted through modification. The buttons feel solid and satisfying, but the layout in which the buttons arch slightly may not be to everyone’s taste. The arresting artwork of The Street Fighter IV edition adds a classy look, especially when compared to previous efforts such as the Soul Calibur stick, and it includes the panel stickers detailing the fighters’ move lists that you see in the arcade. The stick can be changed to represent the D-Pad, left or right analogue stick for those interested in trying to use it in other games. The Auto Fire function is also present for those still having trouble pulling off their ‘hundred-hand-slaps’. The USB cable that it connects it to the console is long enough to cover any situation, unless you really want to play from far across the room. I’m sure there is a reason as to why it is not wireless or Bluetooth, but it is a minor inconvenience. So far it has survived 50 hours of playtime with no noticeable problems and is pretty much the best option for those wishing to recreate the arcade experience within the comfort of their own home. At 8000 yen for this edition though, it can only really be recommended for those who are sure to get a lot of use out of it.

Peripheral Vision: Seaman

On one hand Seaman is not as disgusting as it sounds. On the other hand it is more disturbing than you could imagine. Microphones are now commonplace and most online game experiences are enhanced through using them to communicate with friends or foes. But back in the days of the Dreamcast the microphone opened up a new and frightening possibility for the peripheral. You could talk to your mutant fish. That has the face of a Japanese salary man. Welcome to the world of Seaman.
Seaman is a creature that you look after, from its egg phase through to its final evolution. It is a horrific journey. The young Seamen eat each other until the largest one emerges as the sole survivor (having previously been incubating in another fish’s stomach before bursting out of it) and it is just you and him. Having seen him (it?) cannibalizes its brethren it has hardly endeared itself to you. But there is the microphone and its time to use it. Because you will be talking to Seaman every day in order to teach him to speak. And at first it will be fun. The say something and it will repeat it. Until one day when you realize just how much it understands. And then it gets creepy. You ask it simple questions, and it answers. You answer its questions and it knows what you are saying. You get angry and abuse it and, well, it insults your mum. That was a hell of a shock. In the end it is a difficult game to continue playing. Whilst the microphone is a peripheral that opens up a whole new way of interacting with your console, having played this game I think it’s better to leave sleeping fish-with-Japanese-man’s-face alone.