Top 5: Worst DLC of 2009
Remember the horse armor controversy back in 2006? Remember how ridiculous it seemed to pack 2.50 dollars of real money for what was essentially a minor cosmetic change? What a blessing it is that we no longer have to deal with that nonsense. The developers learned from their mistakes and would never try to exploit consumers with overpriced content which could easily have been included as a free download patch. Now in 2009 the DLC distribution method has matured to the point where all DLC is significant and represents value for money. This relatively new method of providing us with additional content for the games we love has strengthened the bond between the industry and the community.
(Cough)
Now onto the Top 5: Worst DLC of 2009.
Street Fighter IV costume packs
Street Fighter IV has been one of the great success stories of the year, reinvigorating not only the franchise which had started to slip into obscurity, but arguably the entire genre. It certainly rekindled my love for a game which had been a huge part of the reason I got into gaming. The free downloadable Championship Mode brought some excellent changes to the online portion of the game by introducing a tiered structure that allowed better match making and a more tangible sense of progression than the previous points system. Enough gushing. If you wanted to buy the new alternative costumes as they were released Capcom were going to rinse you out of an extra 20 bucks. As a further kick in the teeth to the most loyal and dedicated fans who bought each pack upon its release, the whole set was later released for 12.50. Which is still too much. It’s true that a couple of the costumes, such as Akuma and Blanka’s, were interesting and well designed, but others such as Ryu, Ken and Abel’s added little for the money you were paying. Seeing as you couldn’t buy them individually there were bound to be a couple that didn’t interest you. To add salt to the wound it was around this time that we started to see some of the incredible modded characters that PC gamers were making on their version of the game.
Better or worse than horse armor? : Better. It isn’t a particularly high bar to set admittedly, but seeing Dan decked out in protective padding was pretty fun. And I’m sure Chun Li’s alternate costume cause the hearts and loins of prepubescent boys to stir as much as she did the first time we saw her gargantuan thighs in rough pixilated form almost twenty years ago.
The avatar lightsaber
There are plenty of virtual pieces of clothing or accessories that could have made this list, but I have to go with the lightsaber due to the fact that it is clearly overpriced and pointless but nonetheless must have sold gangbusters. Why? It’s a bloody lightsaber that’s why. No matter how fiscally responsible we may be 90% of the time, there is still a part of our deep seated subconscious that takes over whenever lightsabers are involved. This inner demon smothers our ability to reason, chokes our sense of proportion and garrotes our rationality. Yes it is 5 dollars for a virtual item; yes it can only be seen on the dashboard; yes it has no functionality; yes it was probably made with the most minimal amount of effort by a single programmer and the cost of development is staggeringly disproportionate to the profit it will make… but it’s a lightsaber. Somewhere in a Lucas Ranch far, far away George Lucas is cackling maniacally as he floats in a golden swimming pool shaped like Jar Jar Bink’s head paid for entirely by avatar lightsabers.
Better or worse than horse armor? : Worse. It’s a close call but paying 5 dollars for something useless is worse than paying 2.50 for something useless.
High Velocity Bowling
It was hard to choose between Pain and High Velocity bowling as to which had the worst downloadable characters, but I had to go with High Velocity Bowling because of the cringeworthy quotes that accompanied the release of the additional characters.
Bruce ‘Flyboy’ Fitzpatrick, according to Brandon Akiaten of Team RamRod, "is a flamboyant flight attendant from New York, New York who happens to be fantastic in the lane. He’s definitely earned the nickname ‘Flyboy’ and has proven to have fabulous ball control. Though, his downfall is that he cares more about his precious manicure than pin action … so it’s nothing but light balls for him."
Carmen ‘Sordida’ Sanchez, according to Brandon Akiaten of Team RamRod, "is from San Ysidro, California, and with a chip on her shoulder, she has much to prove. She’ll do anything to win even if it requires dirty tactics. Carmen refuses to wear bowling shoes and as a result, her form leaves a lot to be desired."
Although the game was released at the end of 2007 it keeps on getting DLC and thus earns its place of honor on the list. Some one, some where has bought every single one of these DLC characters. You know who you are.
Better or worse than horse armor? : Better, if the combination of ‘flamboyant’ and ‘balls’ in a single sentence reduces you to uncontrollable tears of laughter, followed by a shortness of breath due to the screams of joy emanating from within, culminating in bowel release as the full impact of the hilarity strikes your central nervous system. Worse if it doesn’t.
Joining the Elite of Madden
EA has made some ‘bold’ decisions with its DLC for sports games. For ‘bold’ feel free to substitute your favorite expletive. Paying for cheat codes that had been a part of their franchises since the 16 bit era was the first of many dubious moves. But for 2009 they found a new and innovative way to squeeze those extra pennies out of the Average Joe/Joe Six Pack/ Joe the Plumber. Madden 2010 offered the Elite Status DLC for the generous price of 5 dollars. So what does it mean to be in the Elite? For the meager price of 5 bones EA permits you to play online with the All-Madden difficulty. Not a new difficulty mode I should hasten to add, it is available in offline modes. But if you want to be ‘hardcore’ and play against the ‘best of the best’ on the ‘roughest and toughest’ online setting, you have to pay for the privilege. Oh, and your online ID appears in gold text. Perhaps that will be of some consolation. Instead of having to face the realization that EA has made you pay 5 dollars to unlock an already available difficulty level online, you can comfort yourself with the thought that you have purchased a new color of font. Yay.
Better or worse than horse armor? : Elite Status is so conceptually baffling that I find it difficult to compare it to anything. Better because it does something I guess. Worse because it sets a dangerous precedent for the future.
Resident Evil 5 Versus Mode
Compared to the other entries on the list Versus Mode is an absolute bargain. It adds an entirely different online experience with numerous options, unlockable characters, and potentially hours and hours of extra entertainment from an already excellent game. Moreover it costs the equivalent of a back-breaking double set of horse armor, a contribution to the George Lucas pool fund, five stereotypes or some bling-bling text. It only makes the list for being very, very cheeky. I started downloading it and decided to have a cigarette to pass the time before I could try it out. In the time it took me to light my cigarette it had already downloaded. Although I have a pretty fast internet connection it seems questionable that all of this ‘new content’ could be downloaded nearly instantaneously. We are truly in the age of paying for DLC already on the disc.
Better or worse than horse armor? : Better, but still very cheeky. And whilst Americans had to pay 5 dollars for it, Europeans as usual paid a little more at 6.50 (must be the cost of shipping to the EU). The Japanese on the other hand only hand only had to pay 2.50 because it was believed that they would be less interested in online play. Glad to see the pricing structure is fair anyway, eh?
(Cough)
Now onto the Top 5: Worst DLC of 2009.
Street Fighter IV costume packs
Street Fighter IV has been one of the great success stories of the year, reinvigorating not only the franchise which had started to slip into obscurity, but arguably the entire genre. It certainly rekindled my love for a game which had been a huge part of the reason I got into gaming. The free downloadable Championship Mode brought some excellent changes to the online portion of the game by introducing a tiered structure that allowed better match making and a more tangible sense of progression than the previous points system. Enough gushing. If you wanted to buy the new alternative costumes as they were released Capcom were going to rinse you out of an extra 20 bucks. As a further kick in the teeth to the most loyal and dedicated fans who bought each pack upon its release, the whole set was later released for 12.50. Which is still too much. It’s true that a couple of the costumes, such as Akuma and Blanka’s, were interesting and well designed, but others such as Ryu, Ken and Abel’s added little for the money you were paying. Seeing as you couldn’t buy them individually there were bound to be a couple that didn’t interest you. To add salt to the wound it was around this time that we started to see some of the incredible modded characters that PC gamers were making on their version of the game.
Better or worse than horse armor? : Better. It isn’t a particularly high bar to set admittedly, but seeing Dan decked out in protective padding was pretty fun. And I’m sure Chun Li’s alternate costume cause the hearts and loins of prepubescent boys to stir as much as she did the first time we saw her gargantuan thighs in rough pixilated form almost twenty years ago.
The avatar lightsaber
There are plenty of virtual pieces of clothing or accessories that could have made this list, but I have to go with the lightsaber due to the fact that it is clearly overpriced and pointless but nonetheless must have sold gangbusters. Why? It’s a bloody lightsaber that’s why. No matter how fiscally responsible we may be 90% of the time, there is still a part of our deep seated subconscious that takes over whenever lightsabers are involved. This inner demon smothers our ability to reason, chokes our sense of proportion and garrotes our rationality. Yes it is 5 dollars for a virtual item; yes it can only be seen on the dashboard; yes it has no functionality; yes it was probably made with the most minimal amount of effort by a single programmer and the cost of development is staggeringly disproportionate to the profit it will make… but it’s a lightsaber. Somewhere in a Lucas Ranch far, far away George Lucas is cackling maniacally as he floats in a golden swimming pool shaped like Jar Jar Bink’s head paid for entirely by avatar lightsabers.
Better or worse than horse armor? : Worse. It’s a close call but paying 5 dollars for something useless is worse than paying 2.50 for something useless.
High Velocity Bowling
It was hard to choose between Pain and High Velocity bowling as to which had the worst downloadable characters, but I had to go with High Velocity Bowling because of the cringeworthy quotes that accompanied the release of the additional characters.
Bruce ‘Flyboy’ Fitzpatrick, according to Brandon Akiaten of Team RamRod, "is a flamboyant flight attendant from New York, New York who happens to be fantastic in the lane. He’s definitely earned the nickname ‘Flyboy’ and has proven to have fabulous ball control. Though, his downfall is that he cares more about his precious manicure than pin action … so it’s nothing but light balls for him."
Carmen ‘Sordida’ Sanchez, according to Brandon Akiaten of Team RamRod, "is from San Ysidro, California, and with a chip on her shoulder, she has much to prove. She’ll do anything to win even if it requires dirty tactics. Carmen refuses to wear bowling shoes and as a result, her form leaves a lot to be desired."
Although the game was released at the end of 2007 it keeps on getting DLC and thus earns its place of honor on the list. Some one, some where has bought every single one of these DLC characters. You know who you are.
Better or worse than horse armor? : Better, if the combination of ‘flamboyant’ and ‘balls’ in a single sentence reduces you to uncontrollable tears of laughter, followed by a shortness of breath due to the screams of joy emanating from within, culminating in bowel release as the full impact of the hilarity strikes your central nervous system. Worse if it doesn’t.
Joining the Elite of Madden
EA has made some ‘bold’ decisions with its DLC for sports games. For ‘bold’ feel free to substitute your favorite expletive. Paying for cheat codes that had been a part of their franchises since the 16 bit era was the first of many dubious moves. But for 2009 they found a new and innovative way to squeeze those extra pennies out of the Average Joe/Joe Six Pack/ Joe the Plumber. Madden 2010 offered the Elite Status DLC for the generous price of 5 dollars. So what does it mean to be in the Elite? For the meager price of 5 bones EA permits you to play online with the All-Madden difficulty. Not a new difficulty mode I should hasten to add, it is available in offline modes. But if you want to be ‘hardcore’ and play against the ‘best of the best’ on the ‘roughest and toughest’ online setting, you have to pay for the privilege. Oh, and your online ID appears in gold text. Perhaps that will be of some consolation. Instead of having to face the realization that EA has made you pay 5 dollars to unlock an already available difficulty level online, you can comfort yourself with the thought that you have purchased a new color of font. Yay.
Better or worse than horse armor? : Elite Status is so conceptually baffling that I find it difficult to compare it to anything. Better because it does something I guess. Worse because it sets a dangerous precedent for the future.
Resident Evil 5 Versus Mode
Compared to the other entries on the list Versus Mode is an absolute bargain. It adds an entirely different online experience with numerous options, unlockable characters, and potentially hours and hours of extra entertainment from an already excellent game. Moreover it costs the equivalent of a back-breaking double set of horse armor, a contribution to the George Lucas pool fund, five stereotypes or some bling-bling text. It only makes the list for being very, very cheeky. I started downloading it and decided to have a cigarette to pass the time before I could try it out. In the time it took me to light my cigarette it had already downloaded. Although I have a pretty fast internet connection it seems questionable that all of this ‘new content’ could be downloaded nearly instantaneously. We are truly in the age of paying for DLC already on the disc.
Better or worse than horse armor? : Better, but still very cheeky. And whilst Americans had to pay 5 dollars for it, Europeans as usual paid a little more at 6.50 (must be the cost of shipping to the EU). The Japanese on the other hand only hand only had to pay 2.50 because it was believed that they would be less interested in online play. Glad to see the pricing structure is fair anyway, eh?
